


All I Want

by ronans



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - High School, Child Abuse, Familial Abuse, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, past suicide attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-13
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-29 03:54:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/682462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronans/pseuds/ronans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school AU - Dean has a disfigurement due to the fire that killed his mother. He has no friends until Castiel comes along. After a slightly shaky start with his reaction to Dean's facial damage, they become closer, helping each other through the darkest of times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Want

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely / slightly more than loosely based on the song All I Want by Kodaline. I love it so much so... this came out. Please listen to the song and watch the video because... Yeah, I can't describe it. Okay, well I hope you enjoy this anyway.  
> Asterisks are the equivalent of a new chapter and the lines are just splitting up the chapters so time jumps, changing points of view and such flow better.

Dean entered the school gates, closely followed by Sam. It was likely to be another day of torture.

He hadn't even been on the school's premises a minute before the bullies started throwing insults at him, calling him a freak and miming vomiting.

Dean had suffered critical facial damage at the age of four in a house fire. Little Sam was just a baby. His mother had perished and he had paid the price for trying to run in after her. Thick flames had enveloped him as he had run through the burning house. All memories of it were hazy as he had been quite young but he had scars to show from the awful incident.

'Hey, Freak! You're melting!' A kid behind Zach started pulling at his face and dragging his skin down. He was screaming and then laughing.

Dean started to walk more quickly towards the school building, desperate to get away from those pricks.

'Dean, wait!' Sam called but Dean didn't listen. He just wanted to be at least near a teacher. It was little protection but it was always worth having that tiny bit of safety. He certainly didn't want Zach catching up to him, not that he was the only bully.

As he strode down the hall he could see his classmates turning away from him and even looking slightly scared. After being at the school for five years, you'd think that they may have gotten used to his disfigurement.

'Ah, Dean, you're early again.' His form tutor muttered as the door burst open.

'Er, yeah...' Dean made his way over to his seat at the front of the class and dropped his bag to the floor.

The truth was, his classmates didn't know the half of it. They didn't even give Dean the chance to get to know them. They didn't know that his mother had died in that fire and Dean had felt his flesh melting off his face as he tried to find her. They didn't know his father had stumbled through the burning building to try and save his son and wife. They didn't know that he had almost ended up an orphan at the age of four. They didn't know the extent of the pain they caused him daily. But Dean was supposed to take it all on the chin and not even feel upset about any of it. 'That was the Winchester way' his father had always told him. He was supposed to bury his emotions and not let on that he was constantly hurting.

At some point, Dean had become aware of voices surrounding him, his peers clattering chairs around as they settled in their seats for registration.

'Freak! Did that fire make you fucking retarded?! Answer!'

'Oh! Uh, here, Sir.' Dean stuttered.

'Zach! Language!' Mr Edlund barked, 'And don't you dare treat your fellow classmates like that!'

Well that was the first time a teacher had stood up for him. Dean's head lifted up off the desk and he looked ahead at his teacher. A small, awkward smile was on his lips when Dean made eye contact with him.

Edlund coughed and then spoke, 'Okay, that's the end of attendance... Um, we have a new student joining us today, it seems, he should be arriving in your first lesson.'

'Can we leave now?' Zach asked, impatiently.

'Hang on, we still have five minutes of homeroom left. Talk quietly among yourselves'

Dean rested his head back on the desk, hoping to wait out the five minutes without being noticed. However, that was not to be. There was a small knock on the classroom door and then he heard someone enter.

'Um, am I in the right-' The gravelly voice had morphed into a scream as Dean had looked up.

Great. The new kid was already scared of him.

'You scared me... I'm sorry,' the deep voice babbled.

 _ **You** scared **me**  _Dean thought as he turned away.

Mr Edlund coughed uncomfortably and then said, 'Um, yes, you're in the right room.' He turned to face the class and then said, 'This is your new classmate, Castiel Novak.'

 

*

 

The day went by quickly, thankfully, and Dean was soon waiting for his little brother outside the school gates.

'Hey, Dean!' Sam called.

'Hey.' Dean smiled. Sam seemed to be the only one who understood him and who wasn't phased by the way he looked.

They walked in silence as normal. Sam was walking slightly ahead with a small skip in his step.

 _Sam, you're such a girl_ Dean could only joke about Sam. He was confident around him. Dean grinned to himself as he walked, the both of them soon reaching their modest two-storey house.

'Hey, boys!' their father greeted them as they entered the living room.

'Hey, dad,' Sam said quietly before running upstairs. Sam had never really got along with his father and Dean had never understood that. Dean nodded at his dad and then sat in the armchair rather than on the sofa beside his dad. There was a slight stretch of quiet between the two of them with John eyeing Dean carefully before he decided to speak.

'Dean, you're still not improving at school,' John started.

'No.'

'Well I think you should be-'

'I don't want to talk about it, okay?' Dean replied bluntly.

John looked defeated and exhaled heavily. The short silence was broken by the shrill ring of the phone.

'Hello? Sure... I'll be right in.' John turned to face Dean. 'Look, I've got to go to the station. You'll be okay here with Sam won't you?'

'Yeah, dad, I'll be fine.'

'I don't know how long I'm gonna be,but there's the takeout number on the fridge.'

'Dad, I know.'

His father left the room and he heard the front door slam.

John Winchester had been a firefighter ever since the night of Mary Winchester's death; it was his way of dealing with it. He felt that if he saved more people from feeling the way he felt, and still felt, then he could sleep at night. And he didn't want more children's lives to be damaged like his eldest son's.

'Sammy!' Dean shouted up the stairs.

'What? I'm doing my homework!'

'Chinese or pie?!'

 

*

 

'Bye, Dean.' Sam ran off to join his friends.

'Bye,' Dean whispered, staring after him.

He trudged through the thin layer of winter snow towards his homeroom building, quietly longing for a life like Sammy's. He had friends, good grades and a future. What did Dean have? He had himself and that was hell. What he couldn't understand was why people could be so cruel as to want to punish him. It was as if he was made to be hurt. He would expect people would be shocked at his appearance but not that they would be scared of him everyday and would make fun of him constantly.

Dean sighed deeply as he entered the classroom and sat down, waiting for the everyday cycle of his life to repeat once more. He saw Castiel sitting a few spaces to the right of him. He was staring right at Dean's face, shamelessly. But it wasn't a look of humor, it was a look of confusion and sympathy, which was almost worse.

Dean smiled at him all the same but he just looked away. Of course he looked away. Everybody looked away. But Dean couldn't help thinking that in that moment he had wanted to get to know Castiel, for some reason beyond him. He wanted to maybe be his friend even after he had been so scared of him at first.

Castiel didn't look at him again that day and seemed to avoid him completely.  _Just like all the others_ _then_ ,Dean thought.

 

 

* * *

 

As Dean was making his way to the gates to meet Sam, he noticed that Castiel was being cornered at the edge of the football field by Zach and his fellow dicks. He stopped in his tracks and stared.

Zach threw a punch then. He smashed his knuckles into Castiel's cheek causing him to stumble back into the wall, banging the back of his head.

Dean was frozen on the spot. He hadn't really seen Zach pick on anyone but him. It was strange and frightening. Dean knew how it felt to be beaten up by Zach; it was terrifying. But somehow, Dean couldn't bring himself to go over there and help. He just continued on his way to meet Sam, hoping Castiel hadn't seen him watching.

  

*

 

That weekend Dean mostly sat in his room listening to music or went for jogs around the edge of the forest, just like every weekend. Only this one was slightly different. He felt guilt on top of his crushing sadness; guilt for leaving Castiel.

Dean groaned in frustration and shoved his face into his pillows.

'Dean?'

'Mmmhmm?'

'Are you okay?'

'Yeah, Sammy, I'm fine.'  _Psh, I'm fine._

'Dean, I know you saw that guy get beaten up,' Sam said, cutting straight to the point.

'What?' Dean rolled over and propped himself up on his elbows, a look of blatant shame on his face.

'I saw you staring. I understand, I wouldn't know what to do either. But I didn't want you to just... uh, I didn't want you to wallow in this? I mean, I know-'

'Sam, get out of my room.'

'But Dean, I only wanna-'

'Now!'

Sam frowned but did what his brother asked and left the room.

'Bitch!' Dean yelled playfully, trying to make up for not accepting Sam's help and snapping at him.

'Jerk,' Sam mumbled through the door. You could almost hear him trying not to smile.

Dean chuckled and shoved his headphones in. Soon his smirk faded and he began to buckle under the pressure of keeping all his fucked up feelings in his head.

 

 

* * *

 

Monday morning came quickly, bringing sheets of rain with it, washing away the little snow.

The usual helping of insults were hurled at Dean as he made his way to homeroom. Sam could only look on helplessly as his brother walked away from him.

Dean visited his locker for a change, only to find that it was painted with various threats, names and vile drawings. He just bashed his head against it and opened it up, placing some books inside.  _Thank god it's my last year_.

After homeroom, the day passed as usual. English, Math, History, Biology, all subjects of which he was failing, lunch on his own and then finally Geography and Spanish. At the end of the day, Dean was wandering over to meet Sam, when he stopped. He could see that Castiel was being beaten up again and Dean wasn't going to stand by and watch this time. He marched over to Zach and kicked him in his back, conjuring a satisfying screech from his vocal chords. Castiel stared at Dean, shocked.

Dean paused momentarily before punching one of Zach's cronies square in the face. Another one held him from behind, clamping his arms together, but Dean kicked him, breaking free. He carried on punching them, releasing all of the energy and strength he could, until they backed away and began to run down the field.

Dean turned to face Castiel, breathing heavily and creating white puffs of condensation in the cold winter air. There was a stunned silence for a few minutes before Castiel spoke: 'I... We should walk.' He stared straight ahead as he advanced forward, Dean following closely behind.

'Why did you do that?'

'I couldn't just let it happen... I know what it feels like,' Dean murmured.

Castiel pursed his lips, thinking back to the times he'd seen Dean being bullied by them since he'd joined the school.

'Well, why didn't you lash out at them before?' Castiel asked, confused.

Dean paused. He'd never really thought about it, but he guessed he'd always known. 'Because I don't think I'm worth fighting for, I guess.'

A pained look crossed Castiel's face. 'Why?'

'What do you mean  _why_? Maybe because for my whole life I've been told I'm a freak even when nobody knows who I am. Maybe because nobody even attempts to get to know me beyond my physical appearance. Or maybe it's because I've told myself  _I'm_ the one who couldn't save my own mother.' Dean stopped. _Huge_ _over share_. He was quick to apologise. 'I'm sorry.'

'No... It's fine, really.' Castiel looked away, the look of sympathy and confusion plastered all over his face again.

They'd left the school grounds and were on their way into the town when Castiel said, 'You can talk to me.'

Dean was shocked. 'Wh- What?'

'You can talk to me. I believe I would like to get to know you.'

That's exactly what Dean had felt the other day. Even if it was just for a moment, Dean had wanted the exact same thing. To get to know Castiel, to be friends with him.

A small smile crossed his lips. 'You would really want that? I'm honestly not worth your interest though.'

'Just because people have told you that, doesn't make it so, Dean.' Castiel turned to face him and stared. He wasn't staring at Dean's damaged face though, he was staring into his eyes. It was different. And above all, it made Dean feel like he was worth something.

Why was he feeling this though? This kid had just showed up at school. Granted, Dean had just saved his ass a beating, but why was his gaze penetrating through the wall he had built to separate his feelings from the outside world? Nobody, not even Sam or his father could get to Dean's true feelings. So why was this dude's stare making him want to share his meaningless problems?

'I'm not okay.' And that was all Dean needed to say to cause a tear to spill. He sniffed and wiped it away.

'Would you like to show me your personality?' Castiel asked.

'Er... Sure?' Dean laughed shakily. What a weird question. 'Come on.' He smiled and started to run.

It took a moment for the action to register in Castiel's brain but soon he was running too.

Rain began to fall harder around them and they laughed as they slowly became soaked in water, splashing around in shallow puddles and just running and joking.

Dean had never opened up to anyone before. Nor had he joked with anyone but his own little Sammy. This was all new to Dean but he enjoyed it immensely and this had been what he'd needed all along. To find somebody _._  He'd brought out a part of him that not even Dean had seen.

'It's getting dark,' Castiel commented as they were sat together on a wall on the outskirts of town.

'Yeah... Do you want to go home?'

'Honestly? No. But I think I need to be back. Give me your phone.' A pale hand reached out towards Dean as he took his phone out of his pocket. Castiel smoothly tapped in his number and returned it. 'I'll see you at school tomorrow.'

'Sure.' Dean smiled warmly, but it didn't touch his eyes, a detail Castiel picked up on. He leaned towards Dean and hugged him. At first Dean was surprised but he returned it.

They seemed to sit on the wall for hours, yet the embrace ended too soon. Castiel let go and waved before walking away. Dean shed another tear but he wasn't sure why.

 

*

 

Dean was smiling to himself as he opened the door into the hall.

'Dean! Where have you been?!' his father shouted.

'I've been out... With a friend.'

'A what? Oh... I mean... Who's that then?' John mentally kicked himself.

'His name is Castiel.'

'Sam says you didn't tell him where you were going and you didn't meet him... He just saw you walk off with a boy in a trench coat.'

'Yeah, that was Castiel.'

'Ah... Well I'm needed at the station again, I told them I couldn't be there until you came back but, uh... Yeah, I best be going, son. There's some leftovers in the kitchen.' And with that he shuffled past Dean and went out the door.

Dean pulled out his phone and started to type.

**_Hey, Castiel. I thought I'd text you_ **

**_so you can have my number,_ **

**_Dean_ **

Almost instantly he got a reply:

**_Thank you, Dean._ **

Dean was slightly disappointed. He had expected Castiel to maybe initiate a conversation or something like that but apparently not. Dean shook his head slightly and walked forwards a couple of steps to shout up the stairs.

'Sammy, get your ass down here!'

 

 

* * *

 

Tuesday was the first day Dean had ever felt _good_. He was maybe even a little excited. He had a friend now, he was sure of it, and he didn't feel like he was so alone anymore. He even looked in the mirror before leaving but flinched away from his reflection. He realised that having a friend wasn't going to change how he viewed himself physically quite yet. And anyway, Dean hadn't even known Castiel properly for a full twenty four hours yet. He shouldn't have been getting his hopes up.

When Dean entered his homeroom, he noticed that Castiel had moved up two seats so he was sitting next to him.

'Hey,' Dean said with a grin.

'Hello, Dean.' Castiel stared back.

'Where's Zach?' Dean asked, looking around for the bully.

'Hospital.'

Dean's eyes widened. 'Was that me?'

'Well I don't know what else could have injured his spinal chord like that.' Castiel smiled at him, 'But he's going to be fine, unfortunately.'

'Are  _you_  okay?'

'I suppose. My face hurts a little.' Dean noticed that his right cheek was slightly pink and swollen.

'Well, I hope it gets better,' Dean whispered as the teacher came into the room.

 

 

* * *

 

At lunch, Dean sat at his normal table, alone with his soda.

'Hello, Dean,' Castiel greeted him.

'Hey.'

He sat down next to Dean and began sipping at his own soda.

'You don't have lunch either?'

'I'm never hungry,' Castiel admitted.

'Nah, me neither... Well, not at school anyway.'

'Would you like to meet up again later?'

'Sure, Cas.'

'Cas?'

Dean looked embarrassed. 'Sorry, I didn't think.' He laughed nervously.

'No, it's fine. Only my brother calls me that... but I like it.' He drank some more lemonade thoughtfully before adding, 'Anyway, I'll meet you at the gates.'

 

 

* * *

 

'Sammy, walk yourself home, alright.'

'Why?'

'Because I'm meeting up with Castiel.'

Sam sighed but looked happy that Dean had made a friend.

'Okay. But can we walk together tomorrow?'

'Sure.'

Sam started off down the road, smiling to himself.

'Dean.'

'Oh hey, Cas.' Dean could feel his confidence building by the second.

'Where do you wish to go?'

'There's not really much to do round here...'

'We could just walk if you wanted to. I enjoyed that yesterday.'

'Okay, yeah.'

Once again they spent hours just talking and trusting each other with each others problems. They were able to act like themselves around each other, something Dean had never experienced with anyone other than Sam.

'Cas, I've had a lot of fun today. I mean, it's not normal for me to be able to be myself. So, thank you.'

'It's the same for me.' Dean frowned slightly at Cas' unsure tone but didn't respond. Castiel paused before staring at Dean intensely. 'Dean... Don't ever feel you're not important or not worth it again. Because you are.'

And with that, he turned and left Dean standing on his own. He was rooted to the spot and only managed to move himself once the first stars had appeared in the sky.

 

*

 

The next few months went by extremely fast. Dean was no longer bullied by Zach after he had lashed out at him. Beating up Zach didn't stop people staring at him though, but he was grateful he at least had one less problem to deal with in this hell-hole.

He and Castiel grew closer and closer, becoming more and more comfortable with each other's company. They were able to share things with each other and enjoy spending time with each other. Dean was a surprisingly good friend considering he'd never really had a friendship with anyone before. Castiel appeared to relish Dean's company even though Dean still didn't quite understand why. Castiel had helped him feel at least some semblance to self worth, but Dean had accepted he was unlikely to ever be happy with himself. He still didn't believe he was worth fighting for.

'Hey, Cas!' Dean called across the school parking lot.

'Dean!' Castiel's face seemed to light up which always made Dean feel warm and appreciated.

'You okay, man?'

'Better now.' He blushed minutely.

Dean chuckled and slapped him on the back. 'I need to pick up some stuff from the store for my dad... Wanna come?'

Castiel smiled, amazed at how much Dean's confidence had blossomed since they had first talked 'Sure.'

They walked out of school together just content with each other's company.

'Cas, do you wanna come round to mine tonight? I think you could probably stay over if you wanted...' Dean rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Castiel hadn't even been round to his house yet. And not having done any of this before, he didn't know if it was normal to invite him to stay overnight.

'I'd love to.' Castiel smiled crookedly up at him. There was something in his eyes when he looked at Dean; it was understanding and acceptance and Dean loved to see that someone other than his little brother and father could feel that way towards him.

'Look, let's just forget about the store. Come back to mine now if you want?'

'Okay.'

Castiel followed Dean back to his house, not sure what to expect. He was slightly nervous.

'Dad?' Dean called out.

'What?'

Castiel looked scared so Dean patted his arm, reassuring him that his dad wasn't like he sounded.

'Uh... I... Castiel's here.' Dean coughed nervously.

'Oh!' There was a loud creak as the man in the other room stood up and made his way to the hallway.

Dean saw Castiel wave slightly and chuckled.

'Hello.' Castiel shifted his weight onto his other leg and stared at his shoes.

'Can he stay over?'

'Sure... But I have-'

'-to go down to the station, yeah I know.'

John smiled a sad smile and moved to leave. It seemed that as soon as Dean attempted to talk to the man, he was out the door.

'Come on, meet Sammy.' Dean smiled and tugged on Castiel's trench coat, brightening the suddenly tense mood.

 

*

 

Castiel was tugged into Dean's little brother's room. All he knew about Sam Winchester was that he was in his first year of middle school and was the brother of his best friend.

'Sammy, meet Cas.' Dean smiled a genuine smile which was extremely rare. Even though Dean's skin was wrinkled and burned, Castiel still thought it was beautiful to see such happiness contrasted with so much past pain.

'I already know who Cas is,' Sam scoffed, rolling his eyes.

'Hello,' Castiel mumbled.

'Hey, I'm Sam.' Sam held out his hand but Castiel just stared at it, not sure what to do. Sam raised his eye brows slightly forming a small wrinkle on his forehead and withdrew his hand.

'So, Cas is staying the night... You better not be a dick, Sammy, I mean it.'

'You're the dick!' Sam mentally kicked himself for his piss-poor comeback. 'I need to do my homework.'

'Nerd.' Dean ruffled his brother's hair and motioned to Castiel that they should leave. He nodded and followed Dean out.

Castiel wasn't sure what he would find in Dean's room. He knew he was interested in rock music so he expected to see some band merchandise. He also knew that Dean had a strange obsession with his father's '67 Chevy Impala so he also thought there would be some things to do with cars. Castiel couldn't lie to himself, though, he honestly had no clue what he was about to walk into.

'I've never really had anyone see my room before... Except Sammy. And dad, of course.'

'I understand, Dean.' Castiel stared into Dean's eyes for a long while before remembering that that could be uncomfortable for him.

Dean coughed and opened the door to his room. Castiel looked around it, taking in all the details. Dean had a few posters scattered over the four walls. Metallica, Kansas, Alice In Chains, all bands Castiel had heard of but never really taken much interest in (until very recently). Dean's bed was quite roomy yet looked cheap and like it had belonged to several previous owners; it was old and worn. He had an abused desk in the corner of the room underneath the window. It seemed as if Dean had spent many hours sat there, chipping at the wood with his pen knife whilst stuck on a maths problem or an English essay. All in all, Dean's room was plain and average.

Dean cleared his throat as he tried to gauge Castiel's reaction.

'It's... nice. I like it.' Castiel smiled reassuringly at Dean.

'Well, get used to it, you're staying here for a whole twenty four hours... Most likely... Is that okay?'

'Dean, do not get so worried.'

'I'm sorry. I'm just... nervous, ya know.'

'It's fine. Now... what shall we do? I'm quite new to this as well.'

'Well... We could watch a movie? I hear that's cool to do with friends.' Dean slapped his face and groaned, 'Would you listen to me? I sound so dorky.'

Castiel chuckled, 'No you don't. Do you have anything in mind?'

'Titanic?' Dean saw Castiel's features flash a worried look. He snickered and punched Castiel's arm, 'I'm kidding, how about Star Wars?'

Castiel smiled before adding coyly, 'I love the Star Wars movies.'

'I know right! C'mon, Cas, I think I have the discs downstairs.'

 

 

* * *

 

'I thoroughly enjoyed watching Star Wars with you, Dean.'

'Well I thoroughly enjoyed watching Star Wars with you, Cas.' They both laughed at Dean's awful impression of Cas.

'I appear to be tangled in the blanket.' Cas wormed around a little, making a rather feeble attempt to escape. Dean chuckled at his friend.

'Are you tired?' Dean asked.

'Yes. But I feel like I don't want to sleep yet.'

'Well you don't have to if you don't want to. Hey... wait... okay... Let me help you.' Dean stood up and pulled at the blanket, sending Cas rolling across the room.

Dean smirked at Cas as his face went slightly red.

'This isn't funny, Dean,' Cas commented hotly.

'Oh c'mon, Cas, sure it is!' Dean replied with a huge grin.

'What should we do now?'

'Well... We could watch another movie, but frankly I'm a bit tired of staring at the TV, how about you?'

'Yeah. We could talk? We seem to be good at that.'

'Sure. Come on, we need to get the bed ready.'

'The bed? The one bed?'

'Yeah Cas... Something the matter?'

'No, of course no,' Cas gulped.

'Okay. Let's go.'

Cas followed Dean back up the stairs rubbing the back of his neck and looking extremely uncomfortable.

 

 

* * *

 

'Are you alright?' Dean asked as he propped himself up on the bed.

Castiel was standing awkwardly by the door, rubbing his arm, 'Er... Yeah... I'm good.'

'Cas, don't lie to me.' Dean raised an eyebrow skeptically.

'I'm not lying.' Castiel slowly walked over to the bed and crawled up to the pillows.

'This has actually been a pretty great night... Thanks for sharing my first sleepover with me.' Dean smiled warmly at his friend.

'I thought you didn't want chick-flick moments?' Castiel chuckled.

'Well that one was needed.'

Castiel's smile faded. How the hell was he supposed to sleep next to Dean?

'Cas, I'm actually getting pretty tired... Is that okay?'

'No, it's not okay that you're tired,' Castiel responded sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Dean laughed lightly and rolled over to face the wall, 'Night, Cas.'

'Goodnight Dean.' Castiel lay down and rested his head against the pillow, sighing.

 

*

 

When Castiel opened his eyes he realised his face was merely inches away from Dean's. He was curled up and extremely close to the other boy. He tried to shuffle back slightly whilst keeping his gaze on Dean but the movement woke him up. They stared at each other for a long while and Castiel didn't even realise that he was speaking aloud what he was thinking in his head.

'Your eyes are a beautiful shade of green, Dean.'

Dean's said eyes widened slightly. Castiel hadn't known that he'd never received a compliment before.

'I... Er... Thank you.' Dean looked down, turning slightly pink.

'I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.' Castiel shrugged, inwardly cringing.

'No... It's nice.' Dean smiled and looked back up at his friend.

_Friend. I am his friend._

'I need to go to the bathroom.'

Dean gave Castiel the directions. He dashed out of the room as soon as he could.

When he got there he locked the door and turned on the cold tap and let it run for a while. He stared at his reflection in the cracked mirror, looking at his worn blue eyes, chapped lips and arched eyebrows. Castiel scooped up some of the cool water and splashed it over his face. He took in a sharp breath and then exhaled slowly.

Dean knocked on the door lightly, 'Cas? Are you okay? You've been in there a while.'

'I'm fine, Dean.'

'Okay. Well, I'll be downstairs.'

Castiel listened to Dean's retreating footsteps and then quickly turned the tap off, resisting the urge to punch everything in sight and composing himself. The door creaked quietly when he opened it and he made his way downstairs, keeping his mouth shut and putting on a very convincing poker-face.

 

 

* * *

 

'Oh, hey!' Dean's face warmed when Castiel walked into the small kitchen. 'Sammy went out with his "friend" Jessica and dad... Well he left a couple hours ago... probably.' Dean shrugged and had made sure he'd put emphasis on the word 'friend'.

'Dean, if Sam has told you that he and this Jessica are friends, then they are friends. Are you suggesting they are enemies? I highly doubt Sam would wish to spend his time with her if that were the case.'

Dean just raised an eyebrow and breathed out a small laugh. 'Unbelievable, Cas,' he muttered under his breath, hoping his friend wouldn't hear, and turned back to his cereal.

Castiel looked puzzled and then proceeded to take a seat next to Dean and pour out some cereal for himself.

As he reached for the box, his arm brushed Dean's. It was only a small touch but it made the dark haired boy shiver. His eyes opened considerably wider as he paused momentarily. He quickly poured out his cereal and milk and then excused himself for a moment.

'Cas? Where the hell are you going?' Dean sounded demanding and worried.

'Oh, it's nothing. I guess... I have to call Gabriel.'

'Gabriel? Oh! Your brother. Sure.'

Castiel hurried out of the room and made his way up the stairs to Dean's room.

'Pick up, pick up, pick up!' Castiel muttered impatiently.

'Yellow?' Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance at his brother's tone of voice.

'Gabriel?'

'Ah, Cas! How are we today?' Castiel could almost hear his brother wagging his eyebrows.

'Gabriel, I am in no mood to joke around.'

'Dean-o problem-o?'

Cas exhaled heavily. 'Yes.'

'Well you see, Castiel, you need to get in there!'

'Gabe, no. He doesn't even know my sexual orientation yet. I cannot confess my attraction toward my friend-'

'Bull,' Gabriel cut him off.

'What?'

'He is not your friend!'

'Of course Dean is my friend.'

'Well yah. God, you can be so clueless sometimes.' Castiel flinched slightly at this, not quite understanding what he wasn't getting.

'I do not understand why you are mocking me.'

'Would you listen to yourself? You constantly whine to me over the phone about Dean and your problems and... dad... but I can tell you need to talk this out with lover-boy.'

'Please, never refer to Dean as lover-boy again. Anyway, Gabriel, I do not think you understand. Dean has had a very traumatic past which has caused him to shy away from friendship. I have been Dean's only friend. I shall not ruin this for him because of my own personal feelings.' Castiel had been completely serious but all he heard in response was Gabriel's chuckle on the other end of the line and then various rustling sounds.

'Dean won't know that it's not normal for friends to kiss then will he?' There was another chuckle and more rustling as Gabriel opened another chocolate bar.

'I am hanging up now. You have been no help at all on the matter, goodbye.'

Gabriel's giggling was cut off abruptly as Castiel clicked 'End Call'. Sighing, Castiel left Dean's room and made his way back to the kitchen, receiving a confused look from Dean and he plonked himself back down on his chair. Castiel stared into his bowl of now soggy cereal and attempted to ignore Dean's presence.

'So... Do you want to talk about it?'

Castiel's eyes widened but then he realised Dean didn't know what he'd been talking about with Gabriel and had just picked up on his mood.

'No.'

Dean nodded his head and poured out more cereal.

'When do you have to leave?'

'Oh... Er, in... Soon?' Castiel was racking his brain for an answer.

'Weren't you talking about it with Gabriel?' Dean looked extremely suspicious.

'Yeah, sure.'

'Okay... Look, Cas, if something's bothering you, you can talk to me. I always talk to you about my problems, you've shared some of yours with me... But yeah, I'm all ears.' Dean motioned for Cas to spill his worries but he just continued to stare at his cereal in an uncomfortable manner.

Dean sighed in submission 'Alright... Ever feel like spilling your guts out to me, I'm here.'

'That's an attractive way of putting it.'

'Well, you know me.' Dean gestured at his own face. He was supposed to be making a joke but he quickly grimaced at the thought. No, he didn't think he was attractive. He was scarred. The light air of humor instantly vanished as Dean's thoughts began to grow darker and filled with more and more self-hatred.

All Castiel could do was look up at Dean with his emotion-filled blue eyes and attempt to comfort him.

Dean coughed and made an excuse that he needed to go to the bathroom.

It hurt Castiel's chest to even think about how Dean felt. It also hurt that he didn't feel like he could comfort Dean and supply him with the support he needed. But Castiel could only try his best, so after waiting a few seconds he followed Dean and softly tapped his knuckles against the bathroom door.

 

 

* * *

 

The sound of his father's snoring could be heard from Castiel's current position in the hallway.

'Father? I have returned.'

He heard a grunt and then a loud crash that caused the boy to wince in slight terror. A scream could be heard from the room upstairs that was hastily cut off by a large, unwashed hand clasping over a petite mouth.

Castiel rubbed his arm, his reflex action when he was extremely nervous. Heavy footsteps landed on the stairs and suddenly the large man had Castiel pinned against the wall.

'Where the fuck have you been all this time?' The man bellowed.

'I was with Dean...'

'Oh, that so? Have fun?' He sneered and pushed his face impossibly closer to his son's.

'I did not do anything, I promise you, sir!'

Castiel was thrown to the ground then. He shuffled over towards the wall trying to escape. He turned a scared glance over to the top of the stairs where he could see his frail mother just standing and watching. Her eyes were glazed over and it was as almost as if she wasn't really there. Well, not mentally anyway. Castiel let out a small whimper and turned his attention back towards the man towering over him.

'Your fuck buddy.'

'No, sir! I would never-' He was cut off by a punch in the stomach. His father's experienced hand was able to beat places that would never be seen by another's eyes.

'Shut up.' Venom laced his words.

He looked down at the floor, desperately choking back the tears.

'You're pathetic. Do you know the amount of pain you've caused me?' Castiel's father's voice dropped to a barely audible volume which came across as even more terrifying.

'I'm so sorry.' Castiel really meant that, even after he had been beaten time after time, he still felt sorry for the man. Because it was Castiel's fault for being the way he was.

'I can't even fucking look at you. You disobey me time and time again!' His father's voice began to pick up volume, causing Castiel to shake. Suddenly the man spat on Castiel's face as if he were scum and a sharp pain lit up his cheek as his father's palm came into contact with it. Castiel coughed out a small pool of blood.

White hot rage radiated off the man as he saw the blood begin to seep into the threads of the carpet, staining it. He was also angry at himself for hitting such a visible place on his son's body.

A boot clad foot came into contact with Castiel's chest, making him wheeze and cough out yet more blood. He heard the older man storm off down the hall and out of sight. He turned his gaze back to the top of the stairs to see his mother silently weeping. Castiel had brought this on her and himself. Softly, he laid his head onto the carpet and stared at his drying blood until he fell into a rough sleep.

 

*

 

'Cas?' Dean tried for the fifth time.

Castiel stayed still, eyes focused on the board ahead of him.

'Hey!' Dean's voice began to show signs of annoyance. Castiel didn't want that.

'What?' He hissed through his teeth.

'I need to talk to you. Lunch. Outside this block.' Dean turned back to face the front as the teacher walked in and began to call out each person's name.

Castiel huffed and tilted his head to the side angrily. He wasn't angry at Dean; he didn't think he could ever really be angry at Dean. He wasn't even angry at his father, he was just angry at himself. He was normally angry at himself in the days following his frequent beatings. Castiel would turn in on himself and just feel a pure hatred to how he was. It wasn't as if he could help not being attracted to the opposite sex, and countless people had told him that they supported him in his previous school, yet it had been drilled into his mind that it was bad by his father and various bullies.

As soon as the teacher dismissed them, Castiel shot up out of his seat and left out of the door.

 

 

* * *

 

Dean couldn't help but notice Cas was wearing his trench coat again. He only wore it occasionally and always seemed to be in a strange mood when wearing it. Was he trying to tell Dean something?

Dean quickly gathered his things and left the classroom. When he entered the hallway, Zach shoved him roughly into the row of lockers, seemingly forgetting their incident mere months ago. Dean just carried on walking, not bothering to give him the satisfaction.

Being shoved by Zach really didn't help his rapidly decreasing self esteem. Since he'd attempted to joke with Cas on the Saturday morning, his carefully built up confidence had wasted no time in deteriorating. He'd had no idea that such a petty little thing would hit him so hard. He really needed Cas' comfort but he could tell his best friend had other things on his mind. Even though he was worried for Cas, he couldn't help but feel a bit annoyed at his lack of openness with him. Dean wanted to help him, wanted to know what was going on. He'd thought they'd really been able to share everything with each other. Hell, he'd shared most of his feelings with Cas on the second day he'd really known him. So why wasn't Cas talking to him now?

Dean shrugged to himself as he walked down the crowded hallway, he decided that Cas would talk to him when he wanted to talk to him... which was going to be this lunch, Dean also decided.

 

 

* * *

 

Castiel took his seat at the front of the maths classroom and stared absently at the board covered in algebra ahead. He didn't even bother copying down the notes, he didn't need them.

'Novak!' a ruler slapped down on his desk causing him to jump out of his skin.

'I'm sorry!' Castiel was also acutely aware of tools that could be used to harm him in the days after the beatings, rulers being just one of the many concerns.

'You better start copying down those notes or I'll stick you in detention!' Mr Campbell barked.

Castiel began to copy down the notes in record time. He looked to his side when he was finished and noticed that Dean was looking at him with a concerned look on his face. Dean noticed Castiel was looking at him and then nodded towards the clock on the wall pointing out that it was nearly lunch.

'Okay, class, if you have not completed the notes you will carry on into your lunch break-' most of the class groaned in unison, '-Hey! That's enough!' everybody quickly shut up, 'As I was saying, you will carry on into your lunch break until you've finished. I'll be setting homework next lesson. You have about... two minutes left until lunch. Go!'

The class attempted to copy down the remaining notes as Castiel sat in silence, staring straight ahead of him.

'Okay, get the hell out of here.' Mr Campbell dismissed them.

Castiel waited outside the classroom as Dean packed his equipment away.

'Cas,' Dean breathed. Castiel nodded in response, jumping as a locker was slammed shut next to his head.

Dean gave him a questioning look but let it drop, turning to walk down the hall towards the outside seating area.

'What do you want to know?' Castiel sighed as they sat down on the slightly damp bench.

'I want to know what's up.' Dean deadpanned.

'Dean, you should not worry about me.' Castiel smiled a sad smile and looked at his friend.

'That's crap, Cas, you're my best friend, I want to know what's wrong.'

'It's not something I can simply discuss in school, Dean.'

'Then let's ditch... C'mon.' Before Castiel could answer, the sleeve of his trench coat was being dragged towards the gates

'Dean, we cannot just skip classes.' Castiel looked warily around him.

'Yeah, we can... We just did,' Dean said simply as he left the school grounds. 'I'm not just gunna let this drop. You're making me worried.'

'I do not wish to worry you, Dean.'

'Just shut up and follow me, okay?' Dean smirked.

 

 

* * *

 

Dean dragged Cas through the front door of his house and then finally turned to face him.

'Now you're going to tell me what's wrong and I'm going to help you.'

Dean could see that Cas' eyes were becoming glassy and his lips were pressed firmly together in a small frown. Dean pulled Cas into a tight hug just out of impulse. They did not regularly hug, but he guessed that one was needed right now. He felt the smaller boy begin to shake as his shoulder became damp.

'Cas! Are you crying?' Dean pulled out of the hug to stare into the other boy's eyes. They were red and tears were spilling down his cheeks. He shrugged and laughed quietly.

'I'm sick of it, Dean,' he whispered.

At that, Dean pulled him back into the hug, just letting him cry there.

'C'mon, Cas, let's go upstairs, we can talk there okay?' The dark haired boy nodded into his shoulder and they walked up the stairs and towards Dean's room.

Cas always appeared so strong and listened to Dean and now he was broken. For the first time Dean really saw it. He was a boy, a scared, innocent boy.

They sat on the bed and Dean patted Cas' arm. 'Speak,' he commanded.

Cas turned a watery gaze towards Dean and began to talk in a cracked, gravelly voice, 'I... I'm not... Interested in women.'

'Oh... Why are you so upset? It's okay, Cas!'

'No, that's not all... Dean, you must know that I trust you completely with this information. It's just... difficult.'

'I understand.' Dean's lips shut tightly and he looked at Cas until he was prepared to carry on.

'My father... disagrees with my "life choice",' Cas laughed as he used his fingers as quotation marks.

'Why the hell would he do that?' Dean spoke quietly but it was evident he was becoming angry.

Cas got up off the bed, causing Dean to reach out to try and stop him. Cas shook his head slightly but it assured Dean that he wasn't leaving. Slowly, he began to slip off his trench coat. Dean was extremely confused at the action but let him carry on.

Cas began to unbutton his shirt causing Dean to gulp, not quite sure what to expect. His jaw dropped open as Cas revealed his torso. It was littered with small, coloured bruises. In the centre of his chest there was an angry red patch of skin surrounding a large blood stained split. Dean's eyes wondered down to Cas' stomach where there was another large red and pink mark with purple edges.

'He... He did this to you?' Dean's cracked voice escaped from his gaping jaw.

Cas simply nodded, a fresh tear rolling down his pink left cheek.

Dean's eyebrows furrowed and then evened out, anger crossing his damaged features.

'I'm.. How. How could he do this to you?' Dean demanded.

'It's my fault,' Cas breathed.

Dean was tempted to slap Cas himself. How could he think that? He couldn't help who he was attracted to.

'Is this why Zach was beating you up?'

Cas nodded again and Dean's fists balled up. 'Dean... don't.'

Dean relaxed his knuckles and walked over to Cas. 'It's not your fault,' he said quietly.

That was almost all Cas needed to hear, he pulled Dean into another hug.

 

 

* * *

 

Castiel held on for a while, burying his face into Dean's shoulder. Dean understood him. He had wanted to protect him.

Nobody could understand Castiel. Not even his brother, Gabriel. Castiel had told Gabriel about how he wasn't attracted to women around about the same time he'd announced it to his father. Gabriel came first, so Castiel had phoned up his elder brother, who had recently moved out, and told him when he was completely sure. Gabriel had supported him and had made a few jokes that Castiel hadn't found offensive but they were still annoying. His family life was good. His mother and father loved him and brought up their youngest together, caring for him and watching him grow up. That was why Castiel had thought it would be okay to tell them. Gabriel had been fine with it, why wouldn't his loving parents be? He had been eating dinner with his mother and father one night and he had announced it and his mother seemed shocked but had looked as if she had accepted it. He had then turned to face his father and it had been one of the worst moments of his life. He'd seen his father snap. He had seen his soft eyes shift, his body tense and had seen him just... change. That was the first time Castiel and his mother were beaten.

Gabriel didn't know about Castiel and his mother's pain. He just knew that Castiel had told them and it had broken up the family, making his mother distant and his father... different, to say the least.

 

 

* * *

 

'Why does he do it?' Dean whispered into Cas' hair.

'Because I'm gay, maybe?' Cas chuckled sadly.

'No, I mean... Is it alcohol? Does that son of a bitch drink and then beat you?' Cas winced at the word 'beat' but answered anyway.

'No, that's the thing. He just... _changed_ when I told him.'

'Have you tried to tell someone about this?'

'No. It's my fault. Why should I stop him if it is what I deserve?'

'Cas, don't you dare think like that.'

There was a small pause and then Cas sniffed, 'Well... now it's your turn.'

'What?'

'I need to see the burns, Dean.' Dean stiffened.

'Why?'

'I know why you've been upset-'

'We're not talking about me, Cas, I think you have bigger problems!' Dean pulled out of the hug to stare at Cas.

'That's not what I'm talking about. You need me to help you.'

'I need to help  _you_!' Dean practically screamed.

'Dean. The only way _I_  can help _you_  is if I know how you're feeling... I need to see them, Dean.'

'Don't you dare look at my ass when I'm changing...' Dean grinned and winked but then remembered what he was about to show his best, and only, friend and his expression turned a shade darker.

'Dean, it's okay. You don't have to be scared,' Cas reassured him.

'You don't understand yet, so how can you know that's true?' Dean's eyes were glazing over.

Cas rested a hand on Dean's arm and he loosened a tad.

'It's okay.'

Dean couldn't say he was comfortable with changing in front of Cas, he wasn't comfortable changing in front of anyone. But Cas was there to help and he needed to see the cause of his pain.

He slowly lifted up his long sleeved shirt and Cas looked pained when he laid his eyes on Dean's torso. Burns licked up his left side, hugging his chest and hip. There were marks scattered on his right side, exposing red raw skin. Cas' eyes moved to Dean's arms and saw the damage on them. There were areas where the skin appeared to drip as if it was still melting off him. There were scars scattered over his shoulders and bunched up skin on his neck. Cas moved his gaze up to Dean's face. He was so familiar now that it hadn't even crossed Cas' mind the damage that was there. Red flames attacked his left cheek and forehead, slightly browner marks pulled at his chapped mouth. Half of his left eyebrow was missing as it hadn't grown back after the burns had been treated.

'Dean. You shouldn't be ashamed.' He could see tears threatening to spill down Dean's face.

'And neither should you.' His response had shocked Cas and Dean could tell he still didn't quite believe it.

'Have you been working out?' Cas whispered which was an even humorous contrast to the current emotions and scars they were revealing.

'Yeah, Cas, I have been working out.' Dean grinned and shook his head.

'You look toned...'

'Okay, Elton John, get your eyes off my body.'

'No gay jokes.' Cas looked at Dean seriously and then pulled him into a tight hug. Dean could feel Cas cautiously moving his hands over the burn on his back but, strangely, he didn't mind. He wanted Cas to understand.

'Boy, we sure are fucked up, aren't we, Cas.' Dean made it out as a statement and not even a rhetorical question, but Cas seemed to want to answer anyway,

'Yes.'

'Cas, you're smart. Why do you not pick up on simple literary devices?' Dean laughed.

'Since when did you use the term "literary devices"?' Cas tilted his head and then just made Dean laugh more.

'Okay, we've had so many chick-flick moments today... Do you want something to eat?'

 

*

 

Dean was searching through the cupboards in the scruffy kitchen when a ringing sounded throughout the house. Cas tilted his head in confusion, staring at Dean.

'Shit! That must be school...'

Cas' eyes grew considerably larger as Dean coughed and took a trial run at imitating his father's voice. It sounded nothing like him but was close enough for Dean.

'Hello?' Dean picked up.

 _'Is this Dean Winchester?'_ An unfamiliar voice replied on the other end of the line.

'Um, yes?' Dean rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand nervously.

_'This is the Lawrence Police Department.'_

Dean's brow furrowed in confusion 'Am I in trouble?'

_'No, but I'm afraid we're going to have to get you down to the station. We have some rather upsetting news.'_

Dean's initial thought was 'Sammy!'

'Is it okay if I bring a friend along with me?' Dean glanced over at Cas who was staring at him worriedly.

 _'Yes, that would be fine. Are you able to get down here on your own? And may I suggest you bring your brother... Sam? Sam Winchester along with you.'_  Dean imagined that the woman had paused to check a file for Sam's name.

Dean breathed a sign of relief that his brother was safe and at school, 'Um, yeah I'll be fine. Should I get Sam out of his lesson?'

 _'That won't be necessary, the school has been alerted. Come down here as soon as possible.'_ The phone went dead and Dean gripped his stomach. There was a sickness beginning to form in the pit of it. Why had the woman on the phone sounded so upset? Her voice full to the brim with pity for the boy.

'Um, Cas, we need to go,' Dean coughed, putting the phone back on the hook.

'Why, Dean?'

'That wasn't the school, that was the police. To be honest, I don't know why she sounded like she didn't give a fuck about me bunking but something's happened and we have to pick up Sammy and get our asses down to the station.'

'Okay...' Cas still wore a puzzled look on his face but stood up, then realising he wasn't fully clothed.

'Um, Cas, you might wanna...'

'Yeah, I know.' He rushed up the stairs and out of Dean's sight.

 

 

* * *

 

A confused Sam, Dean and Castiel entered the local police station, searching for the woman who belonged to the voice on the phone.

'Dean?' A voice questioned from behind the counter

'Um, yeah?' The three boys began to walk towards the woman

'My name's Sheriff Jodie Mills.'

Dean stared at her, willing her to go on. Her eyes looked slightly shocked at the boy's appearance, but he got that a lot so he barely noticed it.

'Go on.' He had decided she'd need a verbal go-ahead to snap her out of her staring

'I'm so sorry... This may come across as all the more upsetting for you, considering...' She smoothed her flicked up chestnut hair back awkwardly

'What is it?' Sam pressed

'It's your father, John Winchester. He's been seriously injured on the job and is in hospital right now.'

Something inside Dean just snapped and he smashed the counter with his fist, causing everyone surrounding him to jump.

'Are you saying that you got me down here when I could be with my father up at the hospital?! And what the fuck do you mean  _this may come across as more upsetting than you considering_?! Is it because of my fucking face?! Because I burned in a fucking fire?! And now my dad has too?! Well-' Dean stopped as Cas rested his cool hand on his arm. Dean seemed to crash back into reality as he realised what he'd done. Quickly, he glanced around him at the scared people scattered around the room. He looked down at Sam and noticed he was sobbing, tears leaving tracks down his red cheeks. Then, slowly, he looked into Cas' deep, blue, terrified eyes.

'I have to go.' Dean ripped his arm out of Cas' light grip and jogged outside, pushing the doors open forcefully.

Dean let out his rage against the wall of the old, neglected station, kicking the crumbling brick and screaming at it. He soon calmed down and sank to the floor, burying his face in his hands. His back began to rise and fall rhythmically as he let out choked sobs, tears escaping and making his shirt damp. He didn't hear the small steps approach him, but soon a hand was resting on his shoulder.

'It's gonna be okay.'

'No. No it's not, Sammy. You _know_ it's not.' Dean whipped his head around to face his brother, 'I mean, look at me,' he gestured to the burns on his face, 'and think about mom. And now think about dad.'

Sam had winced at Dean's words and removed his hand from his brother's now still shoulder. He was only eleven and already he'd lost so much, Dean just clarifying that all to him was enough to break him.

'Dean, I know. I lost you as a brother before I was even old enough to realise I had. I lost mom without even spending a year with her. And now, yeah, I'm probably going to lose dad too by the looks of things-'

'Stop.' Dean interrupted the younger sibling's speech. 'What do you mean you lost me as a brother?'

Sam shifted his weight over to his other foot and sighed, 'I mean that I lost you. Think about it, Dean! You know it too! As soon as you realised what the fire did, you turned in on yourself.'

'Who told you that?'

'Dad did.'

'I was freaking four years old, Sam! How could I have known that I was different? How could _he_ have known I was different? Hell, I'd barely even developed a personality before the fire!'

'Don't lie to me Dean!'

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled, slowly standing up and wiping his wet cheeks.

'Look, let's go see dad, okay? We shouldn't be fighting.' Dean stalked off towards his father's Impala where Cas was leaning against the passenger door

'Dean-'

'Save it.' Dean cut in.

Cas looked down at the dusty ground. 'I'll get in the back,' he mumbled

When they were all in the car they set off to the hospital, driving slightly unsteadily as Dean wasn't exactly an experienced driver having only just turned sixteen.

 

*

 

'Winchester.'

'Winchester... Ah, yes, right this way.' The nurse led the three boys down the white hallway and then knocked lightly on a brown door before entering quietly.

'Sir, your sons are here to see you.' The nurse left, leaving the injured man's sons alone

'Hey boys,' a broken voice spoke

'Dad...' Tears were welling up in Dean's eyes, seeing his father so damaged

'Yeah.' The man chuckled and then winced as pain ripped across his chest

'How... How did this happen?' Dean choked out.

'Well, there was fire all around me and I didn't get out quick enough I guess...'

'That doesn't make any sense.'

'Dad, do you hurt?'

'Wow, Sam, that's like the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say,' Dean spoke under his breath bitterly.

'Shut up.' Sam walked towards his father's bed.

'I can't see you like this.' Dean walked out of the room, tears now openly falling down his face.

'Mr Winchester, I'm so very sorry-' Cas started awkwardly.

'Please, call me John.'

Cas nodded his head and shuffled around on his feet.

'Sammy, you're going to have to go stay with your Uncle Bobby tonight, okay?' Sam nodded whilst burying his face into his father's hospital shirt, carefully avoiding the bandaged areas.

'I'll go check on Dean...' Cas left the room, giving Sam and John some time together

'I don't want to lose you dad.'

'I know, son.' John nodded his head slowly, pain erupting in his neck as he stretched the red raw skin.

They stayed like that together for what seemed like hours, Sam truly valuing his father's silent company, putting all past conflicts aside.

There was a small tap on the door and Sam's head snapped up to see Dean and Cas standing close to each other. Dean's face was tear streaked and he looked worn.

'Sammy, Bobby's here to collect you.' Dean's voice sounded cracked and dry.

'Aren't you coming with me?' Sam gave Dean his puppy dog eyes look and crossed his arms, already knowing the answer.

'Er, no. I'm gunna stay here with dad.'

'Then so am I!' Sam stamped his foot, ready to unleash a temper tantrum in the cramped hospital room.

'No you're not, boy!' Bobby's voice sounded from the doorway.

'But-'

'No buts, get your ass out here.'

'I love you, dad,' Sam whispered before leaving with Bobby.

That sentence was enough to bring the man to tears.

'Dad, please don't cry.'

'I feel like I haven't been around enough to see you boys grow up. I just want you to know... I'm so proud of you and Sam.'

'Enough with the speeches, dad,' Dean tittered.

'It's true though.' John smiled as widely as he could.

'We're proud of  _you_.'

'Son, look after Sammy for me. Please.'

'You know I will, dad. But you're not leaving me.' Dean looked at his father sternly.

'You know I won't make it, Dean.'

Dean's eyes became glassy once more.

'I won't let it happen.'

'Have you seen me lately?'

'Dad, you're gunna pull through. I did! You will too!' Dean wanted to shake his dad and will the fight into him.

'I'm tired, Dean. It's all been for Mary. And she's gone, she's not coming back... And I'm tired of her not being here with me...'

'We all miss her-'

'But I don't want to be without her anymore.'

'So, what, are you saying you did this on purpose?!' Dean's voice had begun to pick up volume.

John didn't answer and just looked down at his bed sheets, flinching slightly.

Dean began to shake his head, 'Unbelievable. Do you realise how completely  _selfish_  that is?! On me, on _Sam_! He has nobody left. He doesn't even have me because I'm too broken to be his brother. You know what, dad, I'm tired too, but I don't go and try to kill myself!'

'You've tried it before, Dean,' John said quietly, his voice filled with sadness.

A small gasp escaped from Cas' lips, making Dean turn around to face him. He'd almost forgotten his friend's presence.

'Cas...'

'Is this true? Did you try to take your own life?'

Dean reluctantly nodded his head whilst staring at the ground, pausing before giving his explanation.

'Well, it's all the same with bullying, isn't it? Pushes you over the edge. You're not the same as everyone else, you get bullied, you try and put up with it because god _knows_ you don't know any other way to deal with it. And then you try to take your life. You try twice, you fail twice. You get back up on your feet only to be kicked back down again. And you've failed. You've failed everything. Every fucking thing...' Dean trailed off and gulped.

'Dean, I didn't know... Have you gotten help?'

'No, of course I didn't get help. Why should I? My problems are too fucked up to ever be dealt with.'

'I should have been there.' John whispered.

'Yeah. You should have. But you weren't... I'm getting a coffee.'

Dean trudged out of the room, followed closely behind by Castiel.

 

 

* * *

 

'Dean-'

'Shut it, Cas.'

Castiel closed his mouth and exhaled loudly. There was only a small queue to the run-down coffee machine but it seemed to be taking forever. He looked out of the window to see that the blue, cloudless sky had been swallowed by the night.

'Do you want one?' Dean murmured.

'Yes please.'

Dean pushed the button to start off the coffee making process but all he heard was a small click and then all of the lights on the small machine switched off.

'Oh, come on!' Dean's hand smashed down against the top of the useless appliance.

'It's okay, Dean-'

'Sure, whatever.' Dean walked away from Castiel and began to make his way back to his father's room.

'Dean, wait!' Castiel called as he hurried to catch up with his friend.

'Something's not right...' Dean stopped abruptly and then growled.

'What is it?' Castiel asked, worried.

Dean suddenly broke into a sprint, rushing towards the brown door, just catching one last glimpse of his father's charred face before it was covered in white cloth.

'Dad...' Dean breathed.

 

*

 

_When you said your last goodbyes_

_I died a little bit inside_

_I lay in tears in bed all night_

_Alone without you by my side_

'What the fuck is this sad crap?' Dean prodded at the radio, switching the station.

'I thought it was sweet.'

'Cas, I don't need sappy music right now, okay?'

'Dean, please don't cry...'

Dean wiped away his tears angrily. 'I'm not crying.'

Cas sighed and turned to face the road. Light was beginning to spill from the clouds as morning approached.

'Dean, I'd like to know how you're feeling.'

'I'm fine.'

'You're not.'

'You know what? I don't need this. I don't need your sympathy, Castiel.'

Cas visibly flinched. Dean never called him Castiel.

'I know you're angry-'

'So shut it.'

'Please drop me off at my home.' Cas' voice was flat

'No, there's no way you're going back there.' Dean hadn't forgotten about his home life.

'Please.' Cas stared at Dean with a hard expression.

'Cas, I don't want you to get hurt.'

'It doesn't matter what happens to me. You do not wish to accept my comfort and I suggest you spend some time with your brother.'

'I'm sorry if I've-'

'You don't have to be sorry. Just take me home.' Cas wasn't backing down so Dean exhaled in defeat.

'Okay... But if anything, and I mean  _anything_  happens, you call me and I'm getting you the hell away from that son of a bitch.'

'Alright, Dean.'

The rest of the car journey was silent, Dean had turned the radio off and was staring at the road ahead.

'Dean, you have to turn left here.' Cas muttered.

Dean had forgotten that he'd never actually been to Cas' house in all the months he'd known him. He coughed gruffly.

'Oh, yeah, sure.'

'I'll get out here, thank you, Dean.'

The Impala stopped abruptly and Dean turned to face Cas, 'Seriously, call me.'

'I will.' Cas hesitated before he leaned in and hugged Dean tightly. He then let go and exited the vehicle smoothly.

'Goodbye, Cas,' Dean whispered to himself as he drove off.

 

*

 

Dean bunked school the next day as he'd been up all night with his dad. Then Wednesday rolled around and he decided he'd just take the whole week off. Why the hell not, he deserved it. He was grieving and all.

But that wasn't the truth. He just told everyone that so he could stay away from what he liked to call 'Hell on Earth'. The truth was, he couldn't feel a damn thing. He couldn't even cry about anything. He was just dead inside, sick of losing everything.

'Dean, you have to get up soon. At least pack your stuff...'

Sam was taking his father's death a lot easier than Dean. Sam had said his goodbyes and he'd been prepared for death and loss; it was all he knew.

'For the last time, I'm not leaving!'

'Yes you are. If you don't, the cops will just come and get you.'

'No they fucking won't,' Dean spat under his breath.

'Dean, just get the hell up and deal with it!'

There was a long silence before Sam stomped out of Dean's bedroom. The bed creaked as Dean sat up and dangled his legs over the side of it. He sighed and then got up and moved over to his wardrobe, deciding to listen to Sam even though this was the last thing he wanted to do.

Dean jumped when the front door slammed shut.

'Dean! Cas is here!'

He had almost forgotten about Cas. How could he forget about Cas?

There was a light tap on the door and then a pause before Cas let himself in.

'Hello, Dean.' His voice sounded incredibly timid.

'Hey, Cas. Where ya been?'

'School... I had to go back, my father...' Cas trailed off and stared at the floor.

'What did your father do?' Dean's voice quaked with anger. He was suddenly feeling things, emotions exploding inside of him because it was  _Cas_ and he was going to protect Cas from his father no matter what.

'He beat me again.'

Dean smashed his fist into the wall but immediately regretted it as he saw Cas jump.

'Dean, please don't do that.' Cas' voice shook with fear.

'Cas, I'm so sorry, it's just... Even thinking about that son of a bitch makes me-' Dean cut himself off before he could get too worked up.

'Are you coming in tomorrow?' His tone was almost hopeful.

'No... No, I don't think I am. I'm sorry, it's just I gotta-'

'I know, Dean.'

They stood in silence for a while before Dean decided to make a move to talk.

'Would you like to stay for dinner, Cas? I know I'm not much of a cook but me and Sammy have to start learning... It would be good to have your company, I guess...'

'I think that's possible.'

'Shit.'

'What is it?'

'I need to pack.'

'Why?'

'Me and Sammy have to go stay with Bobby. Now that dad's... gone... It's come to light that I'm not exactly a "responsible guardian" for Sam... So we have to leave.'

Cas' eyes grew wide. 'You're not  _leaving_  are you Dean?'

'What? No! Bobby lives in Lawrence.'

Cas' previously glassy eyes cleared and he looked relieved.

'Oh... Good. I don't know what I'd do without you, Dean.'

'I don't really know what I'd do without you either.' Cas' cheeks went slightly pink at this and he shuffled around.

'Would you like me to help you?'

'Yeah, that would be great, thanks... Just... Everything you see, pack it.' Dean chucked an old sweater at Cas who dutifully folded it and placed it in Dean's tattered green duffle bag.

'Dean, I'm hungry!' Sam shouted from downstairs.

'Order something then you lazy bitch!'

There was silence then but Dean could tell his brother was embarrassed.

'Should I...?'

'No, Cas it's fine, I'll see to him.'

Dean bounded out of the room and down the stairs followed closely behind by the trench coat clad Cas.

'Dean, there's no numbers on the fridge.'

'What? There's always numbers on the fridge.'

'I do not understand.' Cas looked puzzled.

'We mean numbers for takeouts, Cas.' Dean rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone.

'You seriously have the numbers saved in your contacts.' Sam raised an eyebrow at his brother, eyeing the phone.

'We use them a lot, okay?' Dean lifted the phone to his ear and ordered the usual, deciding to scrap "learning to cook for little Sammy".

There was an almost uncomfortable atmosphere as they waited for their food, knowing it might be the last meal they'd ever have in this house and not really knowing what to say.

 

*

 

'Come on in, boys.' Bobby welcomed them inside.

'So, Bobby... Where are our rooms?' Dean asked.

'Don't you wanna eat something first?'

'Not hungry.' Dean kept his hand gripped on the handle of his duffle bag and marched up the stairs.

'What's his problem?'

'He's going through a lot...' Sam said to Bobby before following Dean, hoping he hadn't already picked the bigger room.

'Mine.'

'No, Dean! That's not fair! I wasn't even upstairs!'

'Should'a been quicker, Sammy!' Dean slumped down on the double bed and kicked his shoes off.

'Rock, paper, scissors?'

Dean made a 'psh' noise and then laughed.

'No way.'

'Only 'cause you know I'll win!'

'Exactly!'

Sam's mouth gaped open. 'Oh come on, Dean! This is so unfair!'

'And?'

Sam stamped his foot and stormed out of the room, leaving Dean to laugh to himself.

'Boys! Get down here!'

'No,' Dean groaned, not wanting to get up off the soft bed.

'You need to eat, Dean.' Bobby's voice was getting louder as he walked up the stairs towards Dean's room.

'Who says I do?' Dean challenged.

'Me.'

'You're not my dad.'

'No, but I'm damn close.' Bobby was now leaning against the door frame, glaring at Dean.

'Fine I'll eat your freaking apple pie.'

'I didn't make apple pie.'

'It was more of an expression, Bobby, but... I could actually really do with some pie right now.'

'Sorry, kid, no pie. Got some stir fry though.'

'Stir what?'

Bobby stared at Dean.

'Have you honestly never... In all the years of you eating takeouts? Never mind, just get your ass downstairs.' And with that Bobby turned and left.

'Stir fry?'

'Chinese food, Dean,' Sam scoffed as he walked down the stairs.

'Nerd.'

 

 

* * *

 

'So-'

'No.' Dean cut in. 'No awkward small talk, Bobby. Yeah, sure, dad's dead but we're no different.'

'Okay, fine.' Bobby stared at his plate, surprised at Dean's bluntness.

'Bobby, why are you so...'

'Quiet?'

'Well yeah...'

'It's just that I'm not used to having you boys around... It's good to see ya, it really is.' Bobby coughed awkwardly, not wanting to sound soppy.

'It's good to see you too, Bobby,' Sam piped up, speaking for the first time since they'd sat down.

They ate in a comfortable silence then, glad that they had gotten the initial ice breaker out of the way.

 

*

 

Dean pulled his phone out as he settled on the bed, lying on top of the covers.

**_Hey, Cas, you free?_ **

**_Meet me at Bobby's?_ **

**_Dean_ **

He threw his phone onto his bedside table and waited for a reply.

 

 

* * *

 

Castiel's phone buzzed. He jumped and stared at it for a while before opening the message.

'Dean.' He read the name aloud and grinned, sitting upright on the park bench.

His lips moved as he whispered the message aloud. He hastily replied.

 **_Of course._** **_I'm not at home..._ **

**_Would you be able to pick me up?_ **

**_I mean if it's not too much of a hassle.._ **

**_Cas_ **

Castiel smiled at the thought of seeing Dean again. He was eager to know how he and Sam were getting along. It was a Friday so they had plenty of time to talk. A shiver ripped through his bones as a cool breeze shot past him. It was dark and the streetlight above him wasn't exactly doing its job, flickering weakly, running out of power.

His phone buzzed once again with a reply from Dean.

**_Where the hell are you?_ **

Castiel's thin fingers quickly tapped in a response.

**_I'm at the park. Meet me here?_ **

He sighed, really wishing he didn't have to cause Dean any trouble, but the park was on the other side of town and he was unable to walk the long distance to Bobby's as he was still in pain from his father's last beating.

**_I'm on my way now._ **

 

 

* * *

 

Dean jumped into the Impala after shouting out to Bobby that he was 'off to pick up Cas'.

'Friggin' idjit.' Bobby had replied.

Dean could see the wind picking up and didn't want Cas to be left out in the cold. Why the hell hadn't Cas called him? Better he be with Dean than freezing his ass off on some rotting park bench.

The Impala soon approached the large tree Cas was leaning against.

'Thank you so much, Dean, I really didn't mean to cause you any-'

'Shh. It's fine. It means you can stay over tonight.' Dean smiled warmly.

'Really? Thanks.' Cas returned the smile.

'So... When were you last at home?'

'I... I haven't been there since Wednesday. Before I visited you... That was when my father beat me again.'

'Yeah, you said. And I didn't want you going back to that dick.'

'So I didn't.' It sounded so simple.

'Cas, that's not what I meant. I meant you should have just stayed with me and Sam... Even if we were moving to Bobby's that night.'

'I couldn't possibly-'

'Yeah, actually. You could. Bobby doesn't care. He likes it that I've finally got a friend, just as much as dad did.'

'I would have to return to my father anyway...' Cas murmured.

'Oh? And why's that?'

'Because of my mother.' Cas turned to face Dean forcing his blue eyes onto him, making him swerve slightly on the road.

'What about her?' Dean composed himself.

'She... She gets beaten too... because of me. It gives me crushing guilt. I cannot bear to just leave her with  _him_.'

'Cas, you've never mentioned her before.'

'I know.'

The last part of the journey was noiseless. Dean respected Cas' need to be quiet and kept his mouth shut, even if he was curious to find out about Cas' mother.

 

*

 

'Dean?'

'Mmhm?'

Castiel paused before asking, 'What do you dream about?'

Dean's forehead creased as he thought, 'I don't know... Fire mostly.'

'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-'

'Cas, don't worry about it... What do you dream about?'

'My father and my mother... and you.'

The room was quiet before Dean sat up to face Cas.

'You dream about _m_ _e_?'

Cas nodded his head cautiously, 'You're the only one who's ever truly understood me since my father... changed. I am grateful and I wouldn't want to dream about anyone else.' Dean thought Cas had maybe sensed that his little speech was a bit cheesy as he went bright red, colour oozing into his pale cheeks.

But the cheesiness didn't stop Dean from thinking about his deeper meaning. His heart warmed and a smile smile lit up his damaged features.

'Aw, Cas, such a sweetheart,' he cooed with a smirk.

Cas chuckled in response but then he was serious.

'I really do mean it, Dean.'

They stared at each other and soon, neither knew how, they had leaned in and their lips were brushing against each other. Both boys eyes widened as they shuffled away from each other on the bed.

Dean looked down at his bed sheets, turning as bright red as Cas.

'Cas, do you need to tell me something?'

Castiel shook his head quickly, his eyes still wide. Dean looked up at him sadly.

'Dean, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.'

'Why are you sorry?'

'Because... Well, have I not taken advantage of you? Have I not just used you when you're vulnerable? And all for my own gain!' Cas covered his face with both of his hands and Dean was shocked, to say the least.

'"For your own gain", what's that supposed to mean?' Dean's eyebrows mashed together.

'I like you Dean.' Cas lifted his head up to look at Dean, his eyes glassy.

There was a pause and then Dean spoke.

'Why?'

'What do you mean,  _why_?!'

'I mean, why the hell would you like  _me_?' Dean honestly couldn't see it. He didn't mind that Cas liked him, hell, he even felt pleased about it, but what he couldn't understand was why the hell Cas would go for  _him_. Poor, broken, fucked up Dean who'd lost almost everything, who didn't deserve anyone even remotely like Cas.

'Dean... I like you because... Well, for one, you're stunning. On the outside and the inside. You have such a strong, pure soul even though you've been through so much pain, it's remarkable. You're here, with me. Now that's something in itself. You've seen  _me_  - damaged, beaten, bruised - and you haven't pushed me away. You've helped me, Dean, you really have. I feel courage when I would normally feel fear, I'm able to see now that it's not my fault and you're the only person who has been able to teach me that. Do you remember when I asked you to show me your personality?' Dean sniffed and then laughed at the memory whilst nodding, 'Well that was when I really saw you. Not too willing to show me who you are yet still able to. You shared your story with me and I felt like you trusted me. I hadn't seen someone trust me in a long while and I felt special. When I was with you I forgot about my disastrous home life and I forgot about... everything.' Cas' voice was barely a whisper when he'd finished.

Water was dripping down Dean's face and when he realised, he quickly wiped it away, not wanting Cas to see him cry again.

'Thank you.' Dean pulled Cas into a hug, not caring about how girly this all was or whatever, he had a friend who loved him and had a reason to and that was enough.

'You're welcome,' Cas mumbled into Dean's shoulder.

Dean laughed at his answer, wiping away fresh tears. He could feel that Cas was crying too as his shoulder felt wet.

'Am I interrupting something...?'

Both boy's heads snapped up to see Sam stood in the doorway in his pajamas.

'No, clearly not, Sammy.' Dean tried, and failed, to get rid of the dampness on his face before sighing.

'I should go...'

'No, wait. What do you want?'

'I was just wondering if you wanted to watch a movie... Or something...' Sam felt completely stupid and inconsiderate, going slightly pink at the insignificance of his words, knowing he was an idiot for interrupting.

'Sure... Cas?'

'Yes Dean?'

'Hows about some popcorn?' Dean grinned at him, still red rimmed eyes crinkling at the corners.

 

*

 

Sam had fallen asleep about an hour ago, sprawled across the battered sofa. Cas and Dean had sat close to each other on the smaller couch, glancing at each other as the film progressed.

'Okay, Sammy! Time to get up!' Dean poked his little brother in the ribs causing the boy to stir.

'Go away.' Sam buried his head into a large cushion and waved his arm through the air.

'C'mon, Sam. Get up. Do I have to get Bobby?'

'No,' Sam grumbled and rolled over to face Dean.

'Should I carry you?' Dean smirked.

Sam was still aware that Cas was in the room so he quickly ran upstairs not wanting to be embarrassed anymore.

'So, Cas, what do you want to do now?'

'I would like to go to bed if that is okay with you, Dean.'

'Sure, c'mon.'

They crept up the stairs, careful not to wake Bobby.

'So. Left or right side?'

'What?' Cas seemed startled.

'Do you want to sleep on the left or right side of the bed?' There was a smile creeping across Dean's lips as he noticed Cas' discomfort.

'Right side?'

'I'll get you some clothes...' Dean began to rifle through his chest of draws before pulling out a light green shirt and some white boxers. He threw them at Cas who seemed extremely nervous and jumpy.

'I'll... I'll get changed in the bathroom if that's okay.' Cas stumbled out of the room and made his way across the hall.

Dean chuckled to himself as he made the bed and then got changed himself.

Getting dressed was never easy for Dean. He had to look down at his body and see the burns, faintly remembering how the flames had snaked up his torso. He had to see his half built up muscles, damaged by the heat. He had worked hard to even achieve this much, knowing full well that working out wouldn't change the way he viewed himself. He had to look at his thighs, how the skin stretched across the bone, red, blotchy and almost scaly.

'Dean-'

Dean turned to face Cas, realising he was still stood in just his boxers, revealing more of the damage to Cas.

'Sorry, one moment.' Dean quickly shoved on a random white shirt and a pair of soft, grey tracksuit bottoms.

Dean clambered into bed and patted the space next to him. Cas cautiously made his way across the room and sat on the bed.

'Dean?'

'Yeah?'

Cas lay down and then rolled over to face the other boy before embracing him and sobbing lightly.

'Woah! Cas! What's up?' Dean patted his shoulder, eyes wide with worry.

'Please don't make me go back there, Dean. Please.'

'I won't. Don't worry, shh.' Dean continued to rub his shoulder in a comforting manner.

Dean didn't know how much time had passed but suddenly Cas' sobs died down and his breathing became more shallow. Dean stayed awake for a little while longer, calming the other boy before drifting unconscious.

 

 

* * *

 

There was a tap at the door.

'Dean? Dean are you up?'

Dean grumbled as he opened his eyes, then realising he was still clutching onto Cas. He let go and walked over to the door.

'What?' Dean replied fiercely, opening the door.

'Sorry... Do you want something to eat? Bobby's working on some cars out back... I tried making you some food...' Sam held out a plate to Dean. It smelled burnt, whatever it was.

'Aw, Sammy, well aren't you adorable.' Dean ruffled his little brother's hair before taking the plate.

'Um... Did anything happen last night?' Sam leaned around Dean's taller frame to look at Cas.

'What?' Dean turned around and followed Sam's gaze. 'No! No, Sam! What the hell!'

'Alright, alright! I was just wondering... Cas can have some of that toast as well.'

'This is  _toast_?! Sam, this doesn't even look edible.'

'Sorry...' Sam retreated to his bedroom hastily.

Dean chuckled and closed the door deciding to wake up the sleeping beauty.

'Rise and shine, princess!'

Cas' eyes fluttered open.

'What's that?' Cas asked, poking at the charred pile of toast.

'That, my friend, is breakfast.'

'Oh, well... It looks... lovely.'

'Don't lie to me, Cas.'

'No, it looks great...' To attempt to prove to Dean that he wasn't lying, Cas grabbed a slice and hesitated before taking a large bite. He grimaced at the bitter taste but then smiled reassuringly, making a 'mm' noise.

'Cas, I didn't even make that.' Dean laughed.

'Oh...' Cas coughed at the dryness of the food in his mouth, 'May I please have a napkin?'

Dean ripped out a tissue from the box on the bedside table and handed it to the practically choking boy.

'Thank you.'

'Were you seriously prepared to eat some of my cooking just to humor me? Because that's practically suicide, Cas.'

Cas looked down, smiling slightly. 'Of course.'

'And Sammy... Well, let's not talk about his culinary skills, I'm sure it would be too traumatic for you.'

Cas laughed. 'Dean, it wasn't actually that bad.'

'Oh sure.' Dean bit into a different slice, chewing quickly before stopping and rushing out of the room.

When he came back he looked ill.

'That... was awful.'

 

*

 

'So, Cas... When do you want to get up?' Dean was lying on top of his covers next to Cas.

'I would like to never get up. It's too perfect here.'

'This is pretty fucking far from perfect. Look around you, look who's lying next to you.' Dean gestured to himself lightheartedly.

'Exactly my point.' Cas smiled and squeezed his eyes more tightly shut.

'So you really did mean what you said yesterday... Hm.' Dean nodded his head, his bottom lip jutting out in thought.

Cas turned pink, his speech starting to echo in his mind.

'Yes, I did.'

'What happens now then?'

'I haven't really thought about it.'

'Are you serious? You confess your undying love for me and then just decide to drop the subject?' Dean grinned widely as a pillow came into contact with his face.

'This isn't funny, Dean.' Cas contradicted his own words with a smile.

'We both know you think I'm hilarious.'

Cas made a 'tsk' noise and shuffled around.

'You didn't deny it!'

'Shut up, Dean.'

Dean began to poke Cas lightly, trying to wind him up.

'Stop it. I mean it.' Cas looked seriously into Dean's eyes which caused the boy to huff and settle back down onto his side of the bed.

'Jeez, I swear we're like a married couple.'

Cas' stomach fluttered at the thought. 'I suppose we are.'

'Cas, in all seriousness... What's gunna happen with us?'

'I honestly don't know, Dean. But if my father finds out about  _anything_  he would have the ability to inflict more pain onto me and my mother.'

'You know, I think it's just about time you stood up to that bastard.'

'What?!' The thought hadn't even crossed Cas' mind.

'You heard me. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Ya know, show him exactly what it's like to be the punching bag.' Dean was becoming more and more excited by the idea.

'No... No, Dean. I could never. No matter what he has done, he is my father and he deserves forgiveness.'

Dean's mouth gaped open. Why the hell was Cas  _defending_  the guy?!

'Cas, what the hell! I've seen what he's done to you. In what world would he deserve  _forgiveness_?!'

'Would you have not done the same for your father?' Cas' blue eyes shone into Dean's darkening green ones.

'I can't answer that...' Dean trailed off, knowing that Cas already knew his answer.

'This is precisely why I have not gone against him before. After all of this, I still love him, Dean. I'm sure you understand that. Your father was not with you when you were growing up, he left you in charge of Sam most of the time, but you always forgave him. You still loved him. Why can I not feel the same towards my father?'

'Because my dad didn't beat the  _crap_  out of me, Cas!  _My_  dad just left me to grow up a little faster than the other kids. Sure, I had a lot on my plate, but this is completely different!'

'I do not understand how this is different.' Cas' voice had become hard and serious.

'Your father beats you! He hurts you! I can't even  _imagine_  how that feels for you, honestly, I can't. But I sure as hell know what I'd feel about the guy who was hurting me.'

'He is my  _father_ , Dean. My  _father_. Please, at least try to listen to me. Try to understand me. I cannot disobey him. I cannot turn against him, even for you.'

'Cas, I don't want to see you get hurt anymore. It's not right and I can't just sit here and let it happen.'

'You have to.' Cas placed his hand on Dean's tense fore-arm.

Dean softened a little at the touch. 'I can't,' he whispered in an absolutely broken voice.

Cas sighed and rolled over to face away from Dean, not wanting to have this argument anymore. He felt almost sick at the fact that just minutes ago he and Dean had been joking around and Cas had felt truly peaceful and at ease. However, that feeling was gone now. Now he was filled with Dean's words and his father's torture.

 

*

 

'I really don't want you to leave,' Dean pressed, trying for what seemed like the thousandth time to convince Cas to stay with him, Sam and Bobby.

'I must. As I have told you before, I cannot just remove myself from my own home, Dean.'

Dean rubbed his temples, the rough skin of his hands scraping against his forehead.

'Do you seriously think it's safe? If I didn't think the cops were such dicks, I would have gone to them now on your behalf!'

'I'm leaving.' Cas grabbed his trench coat and stormed out of the front door. Dean could see that Cas was shivering as he disappeared behind a large truck on his way out.

Dean stood still for a while, looking at the spot where he had last seen Cas.

'Where's Cas?'

'He... He left.'

'Dean are you... Are you crying?!' Sam was smirking.

'Shut the fuck up, Sam.' Dean moved to walk up the stairs but Sam stopped him.

'Hey... Tell me what's wrong.' Sam's voice had taken on a more serious tone.

'Yeah, nice try, Sammy, but you're not gunna help.' Sam's arm was still blocking Dean's path, making escape almost impossible. He was small but he sure had strength.

'Is it about Cas?'

'Do you want a freaking medal? Of course it's about Cas!'

'Alright, alright! Dean, just tell me and I can help.'

'No. Telling you honestly won't help anything. Now would you let me go!' Dean pushed against Sam's arm forcefully and ran up the stairs.

Sam sighed before retreating to Bobby's library, knowing that Dean would come to him when he was ready; he always did.

 

 

* * *

 

'Sammy.' Dean's tear-streaked face appeared at the doorway.

'Yeah?' Sam stopped himself from commenting on Dean's hormones, knowing now was not the time for jokes.

'I can't do it, Sammy. I can't help Cas and it hurts... I can't be there for him and I can never get it right.' Dean slumped down on the desk.

'Would you shut up!' Dean jumped at Sam's words.

'What?'

'Can't you see?!'

'See what?!' Dean was beginning to grow angry at his brother.

'Can't you see how much you and Cas are helping each other? You're so hard on yourself and you don't think you deserve this when you do, Dean! You're making things better for Cas! I don't know what the hell's wrong with him but I can tell he's come a long way since he met you. So quit moping around and crying because you're supposed to be a good friend to him, just like he's supposed to be a good friend to you. I'm not talking to you until you call him.' Sam rose up from his chair at the desk and marched out of the room, almost exhausted after his outburst.

Dean could only stare after his brother, wide-eyed and completely dumbstruck.

 

 

* * *

 

'Hey, Cas... When you get this... can you just please call me back? I know I'm probably the last person you wanna see or speak to right now... But please... come back.' Dean hung up on the robot telling him to press certain keys to redial Cas' number.

'Sammy, he doesn't want to see me. I tried calling him like fifty-' Dean stopped when he saw Cas standing by the front door, flipping his phone around between his fingers.

'It was more like thirty six times, Dean.' Cas wasn't looking at him, just staring at the silver object in his hands.

'Oh... I'm... Sorry. I just really needed to talk to you...'

'Is that so?' Cas' head lolled against the wall and his eyes met Dean's.

'Where did you come from anyway? Wouldn't I have heard your phone or something?'

'Silent.' Cas pinched the phone between his thumb and forefinger and held it up.

'Ah... Cas could you come upstairs with me? I really need... To talk.'

The boy in the trench coat nodded his head and limped up the stairs, ahead of Dean.

'Cas... Did he beat you again?'

'Yes.' His voice was icy and Dean could tell he didn't want to discuss the matter.

They continued to walk up the creaky stairs without speaking and then to Dean's room.

'Lie down with me?' Dean's voice was small and almost pleading. Cas simply nodded in agreement.

'What is it you wish to talk to me about, Dean?' The bed dipped slightly as both boys sat down.

'I'm sorry. Sammy talked to me... and I'm sorry. I just can't have good things, I really can't.' Dean sighed and looked down; it almost sounded like he was giving a break-up speech to Cas.

'Do you realise how much of an impact you've had on my life? How much I now depend on you after what you've done for me? So don't you  _dare_  say sorry.' Cas' words were hushed yet traveled from his mouth with astonishing power.

'I mess up. I just don't want you to hurt because of my mistakes or, in this case, my ideas. I can't have good things,' Dean repeated. He then stood up and walked to the other side of the room, keeping his eyes on Cas.

'I dont care.' Cas brought his eyes up to meet Dean's. 'You're not a machine. You  _do_  deserve it. Good things do happen, Dean.'

Dean tried to process the words but he couldn't. He couldn't think that way, he couldn't think that he deserved Cas as a friend and he couldn't think that anything right could come his way.

'And how do you expect me to believe that? After all that's happened. How can I believe that I deserve happiness?'

'I don't expect anything from you, Dean. I just want you to see happiness as a blessing. And you are being blessed with it now.'

'What kinda pansy crap is that, Cas?'

'Just trust me. Please.' Cas' tone was sincere and his stare pierced through Dean's tough exterior.

'Okay,' he breathed out.

'Come here.'

Dean cautiously inched towards the bed and then lay down next to the dark-haired boy.

'You are beautiful, Dean.'

'Hey, I'm not a chick.' Dean chuckled at Cas' wording but then became wary as his top was lifted up. 'What are you doing?!' He tried desperately to rip the material out of Cas' grasp.

'Do not worry, Dean, I only wish to see.' Dean reluctantly let Cas proceed in lifting up the cotton, revealing more and more of his red, damaged skin.

'Cas, I don't know if I can do this... I don't want you to see me, okay?' Dean's voice was laced with fear.

'It's fine,' Cas calmed the older boy.

Dean's breath was hitching as he became more and more anxious of what Cas could see. He knew that Cas had already gotten a full view of his scarred body, but it didn't make it any easier.

'I love you.' Dean thought he heard Cas whisper, but he couldn't be sure.

'Hmm?'

Castiel ignored him and began to tenderly trace his thin fingers over the skin. Whispers left his lips.

'I... I love you too.' Dean stuttered.

Cas' head snapped up and he pulled his hands away. 'You love me?'

Dean's cheeks filled with colour as he nodded slowly. 'Yeah... I think I do.'

Cas simply grinned and returned to stroking Dean's scars.

 

*

 

'Dean! Cas! Get your asses up for school!' Bobby shouted up the stairs.

'I'm not going,' Dean grumbled into Cas' shoulder.

There was a harsh knock at the door and Dean sprung away from Cas to unlock it.

'Bobby, I'm not going! I cannot be bothered to deal with that crap anymore.'

'Dean, you got exams comin' up. You can't just throw it all away. Do you want to get somewhere in life?'

'What are you, my mother?' Bobby raised his eyebrows at Dean.

'Son, you need to sort that attitude out. Now get Cas up and get dressed.'

'Hell no. There's no way I'm going back there. The only reason I went all those years was to please dad. Now he's gone and there's no need for me to go back. So, if you don't mind,  _I'm_  going to return to bed.' Dean gave Bobby a sarcastic smile before attempting to slam the door. He knew he was being hard on Bobby - Bobby only had Dean's well being in mind - but he just wasn't in the mood to be persuaded into doing something pointless and that was likely to be some form of minor torture.

Bobby's arm shot out and stopped the door from closing. Dean looked up at him tiredly.

'Boy, I get it. But at least get Cas up. I'm sure he wouldn't want to miss school. Don't be selfish.' He then turned and walked down the hallway, leaving Dean alone.

'Cas, wake up, you have school.' The boy stirred slightly but just rolled over and continued to sleep. Dean walked over and gave him a playful shove, conjuring a groan from deep in his chest.

'What is it?'

'Boy, you sure ain't a morning person.' Dean grinned down at him.

'Why must you wake me, Dean? I would like to continue sleeping.' Cas' eyes closed once more but Dean could tell he wasn't asleep; his eyelids were flickering as his eyeballs moved behind them.

'You have school.'

Cas' eyes shot open. It was obvious he had forgotten about it completely. He quickly jumped up and made his way over to where a pile of his clothes were folded on a chair.

'Woah, calm down, Cas, it's only eight!' Dean's tone was light but Cas' eyes grew.

'Eight?! Dean, you live twenty minutes away from the school!' Cas frantically gathered up his clothes, aware that he only had ten minutes to get ready or he would be late.

'So? Cas, don't look so worried. You got... about seven minutes, it's fine.'

'My father... He would not like it if I were to be late.' The dark-haired boy dashed out of the room and slammed the bathroom door shut behind him.

'Jeez,' Dean murmured.

Cas reemerged from the bathroom within minutes in the clothes he had worn the day before.

'Hey, you could've borrowed some of my clothes.'

'No, it's alright, Dean. They would be ill fitting anyway. But thank you.' Cas rushed forward and stopped in front of Dean. His cheeks went pink and he looked down, avoiding eye contact with the other boy.

'What is it?'

Cas quickly leaned in and kissed Dean on the cheek. He then smiled and ran out of the door, wary of the time.

Dean grinned and made his way downstairs.

 

 

* * *

 

'You're gunna have to go back in some time. Don't you wanna graduate? Get a good job. I dunno... succeed?'

Dean raised an eyebrow and stared at Bobby. 'Are you serious? I wouldn't be able to get a job anyway. I'd scare away the customers.' Dean returned to staring at his cereal.

'Oh come on,' Bobby sighed, growing sick of the elder Winchester.

'Bobby, this isn't like you. Why do you suddenly care so much about me doing well in life?'

'Because... Well, you're my responsibility now. And I only want what's best for you.'

Dean laughed, 'You sound like-'

'No smart-ass comments. I'm being serious,' Bobby interrupted.

'Psh, fine. I'm going to bed.' Dean stood up and made his way up the stairs.

'Friggin' idjit.' Bobby stared after Dean's retreating form before stepping outside to work on an abused '65 Mustang.

 

 

* * *

 

Dean's phone started to ring, waking him up. He cracked his eyelids open only to abruptly shut them, deciding the sun's light was shining far too brightly. He felt around for his phone and answered with a casual 'yep', not bothering to check who was calling.

'Dean... Would I be able to return to Bobby's?' Cas' deep voice crackled slightly due to the poor reception.

'Uh, sure. Come right up to my room.' Dean hung up on his friend and went over to his chest of draws to search for something to wear. He quickly threw on a grey shirt and some faded blue jeans making sure he didn't gaze upon his damaged skin for too long.

'Hello, Dean.'

'Woah! Have you ever heard of knocking?' Cas looked down, embarrassed.

'I am sorry. I will remember next time.'

'No, it's fine, you just took me by surprise.'

'Dean... I've been thinking about what you said... About standing up to my father. I think I'm ready.' Cas peeled his gaze off the floor and stared at Dean, trying to gauge a reaction.

'Are you serious? I didn't mean to push you, I was just suggesting it. You seemed kinda dead set on  _not_ doing that.'

'I know. And I was... But today, when I was on my own, I was allowed time to think.' Cas sighed and dropped his stare. 'I should not let this go on. For mine and my mother's sake.'

Dean nodded in understanding. 'So what do you suggest we do?'

'I shall retire here for a few days if that is alright with yourself and Bobby.'

'Yeah, that sounds great, Cas.' Dean gave a genuine smile to the other boy.

'And during this time we shall discuss how it would work. I'm still not certain I have the courage to go through with this... But I will try. I will try for you, Dean.'

'I only want what's best for you.' Dean spoke before realising what he was saying. Bobby's voice rang through his head.

'Thank you, Dean. Thank you for everything. I have come to many realisations during the time I have spent with you... And now my father's torment may come to an end.' Cas smiled to himself and sat down on the bed. He was almost excited for the next few days, seeing the possibility of freedom for him and his mother.

 

*

 

Sam bounded down the stairs, smelling food.

'What's cooking?'

'We ordered cheeseburgers.' Sam's face screwed up.

'Again?!'

'Boy, you watch your mouth or you won't get anything!' Bobby crouched down and began to search for plates in a cupboard.

'Sorry...'

'Cas, do you want fries with that?' Dean asked.

He shook his head and looked down. Dean had never really realised just how thin and frail Cas was until recently.

'You gotta eat more than half a cheeseburger, dude.'

'I'm fine, thank you, Dean.'

Dean's eyes were still filled with concern which Cas appeared to pick up on.

'I have never really eaten that much. I do not have a large appetite.'

'Cas, it's freaking tiny. I know you don't eat at school but you're here now, okay? So try to eat something.'

'I am fine, Dean,' Cas repeated, sternly.

The room went silent while Sam tried to think of something to say.

'So, Dean... Are you going back to school? I kinda miss you being there.'

'Nope. Never.' Dean grinned widely before shoving a large handful of fries into his mouth.

'Dean, I would prefer it if you were at school...' Cas murmured.

'Oh, and why's that, Cas?'

'I do not feel safe.' Cas picked at his burger bun, eyeing it suspiciously.

Dean's expression turned guilty and he dropped his gaze to his food. He felt bad for Cas, but he sure as hell wasn't going back. His own bullying had been bad enough.

'Why don't you just stay here with me?'

'Because he has exams,' Bobby answered.

'So? I did too before I decided to quit. I'm fine. In fact, I'm better off.'

Cas shuffled on his chair. 'I would like to achieve good grades, Dean.'

'Why? I don't see the point in them.'

'I've had just about enough of you, Dean. Let the boy eat and stop dragging him down with your stupid decisions.' Bobby was pissed, Dean could tell that much.

'Sorry, sorry.'

They ate in an uncomfortable silence. Bobby stood up to collect the dishes when they had finished and the boys made their way to their bedrooms.

'I apologise if my behaviour upset you...' Cas sat on the chair in the corner of the room, well away from Dean.

'Why would it?'

'Because I did not answer how you wanted me to.'

'Cas, there's a little thing called standing up for your own choices... What I mean is, don't give a fuck about what I think. I'd just prefer it if you were here with me.' Dean rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

'Really?' There was a tone of genuine wonder to Cas' voice.

'Well, yeah.'

'Then I am sorry I cannot spend more time with you.'

They stared at each other for a long while before Cas sighed and looked away.

'What is it?'

'Dean, we must talk about my father...'

'Sure. So what's the plan?'

'I would have to do it alone.'

'Cas, are you friggin' nuts?! I'm coming with you! You can't just go in and stand up to him without back up! I've seen what he's capable of!'

'This is my fight. One thing I would ask of you, though, is your assistance on the journey to my house.'

'You want me to drive you?'

'Yes.'

'What, and then just leave? No! I'm not doing that. I can't just leave you!' Dean's voice was becoming panicked.

Cas sighed once more and stood up, turning himself away from Dean.

'If this was your father, would you not wish to do it alone?'

Cas knew Dean's father was his weak spot and that Dean could never form a valid argument when he was mentioned.

'Fine,' Dean whispered, not wanting to fight a battle that was already lost.

'Thank you.'

Cas gasped when he was spun around to face the other boy.

'Just please,  _please_  don't get hurt.' Dean's eyes were stinging at the thought of Cas going through even more pain.

'I can't guarantee anything... But I shall try not to.' Cas smiled a lopsided smile at Dean and wrapped his arms around him.

'You are so the girl in this,' Dean chuckled.

'Why?' Cas pulled away to look at Dean's face, his head tilted in confusion.

Dean's right eyebrow pulled up. 'Never mind..' He chuckled again and hugged Cas to him.

 

 

* * *

 

Castiel walked through the crowded hallway. It was only Wednesday and he couldn't wait for school to be over.

Suddenly, long fingers gripped the back of his hair and he was thrust forward into a locker, his head crashing into the blue metal. It was over quickly and Castiel was left lying on the floor, vision blurry and his face becoming increasingly wet. He saw a figure walk away and expected it to be Zach, but he could tell it wasn't, even with his momentarily fuzzy vision. He stood up shakily and felt his nose. It was throbbing and wet when he touched it. He pulled his fingertips away to reveal red liquid, and lots of it. Hastily, he cupped his nose in both hands, trying to stop the blood from gushing out.

The toilet door burst open as Castiel rushed in to see to his nose. Blood was beginning to dry around his mouth but the flow from his nostrils didn't look as if it would stop any time soon. He could taste the blood, sharp and metallic, on his tongue.

Castiel ripped some paper from a roll and threw his head back. He could see himself in the mirror and the amount of clothing the blood had stained; Dean's clothing. Castiel groaned and wished he'd been more forceful when telling Dean he was fine with his own clothes.

His nose was quickly becoming dry due to him tipping his head back so Castiel dabbed the tissue over his face before throwing it away. His hands gripped around the basin in front of him and he stared at himself in the mirror. The loss of blood was making his head spin, however his vision was becoming clearer. Castiel wondered who could have pushed him into the locker with such force that he could lose so much blood.

He looked awful; the bottom half of his face was mostly covered in sticky, half-dried liquid and there were smudges over other areas on his face. A black eye or two would surely pop up overnight.

Castiel had no idea what he would tell Dean about the state of his face or his clothes. He didn't want to worry him with how far the bullying had gone since Dean wasn't there to protect him anymore. And it wasn't just Zach either, but he was still unaware as to who slammed him into the locker. He drew in ragged breath, wet his face to wash away the thick, drying blood and left the boy's bathroom.

 

 

* * *

 

'Cas? What are you doing here? It's only...' Bobby paused to look at the clock on the wall, 'It's only eleven AM. What the hell happened to you?' Bobby appeared to have only just noticed the blood soaked clothes bunched up in Cas' hand.

'Is Dean upstairs?' Cas decided to ignore Bobby.

'Yeah, but I'm pretty sure he's sleeping, the lazy-'

'Thank you, Bobby.' Cas rushed off towards Dean's room.

'Come in.' Dean's voice was deep and cracked from sleep as he answered to Cas' light knock on the door.

Cas pushed the door open and Dean immediately sat up.

'Cas! What happened?!' Dean's eyes focused on the bloody clothes in his hand. Cas smiled at Dean's concern and went to sit down next to him.

'I'll be fine.'

'Stop saying you're fine, Cas!'

Cas turned his head away. 'I'm sorry about your clothes, Dean. I'll replace them.'

'I don't care about the clothes. What happened?' Dean's voice had become softer.

'I don't know who did it... But somebody pushed me into the locker.'

Dean's fists balled up. 'I'm gunna kill that son of a bitch.'

'Dean, stop.'

'It was Zach wasn't it?'

'I couldn't tell who it was... But it definitely wasn't Zach. He was much slimmer and... I think he had a beard.'

'A beard?' Dean didn't sound as if he believed Cas. Nobody at school had a beard that he knew of.

'Dean, please do not worry about it. I'm fine, truthfully.'

'I'm going back to school.'

'No, please, you do not want to, please don't do this just for me.'

'If they want to take the piss out of me because of my appearance, let them. I'm done with those dicks, I can handle them. But the last straw is when they start hurting the people I love. I can't let this happen when you already have so much going on outside of school, Cas.'

'Thank you, Dean.'

'How many times have I heard that line before?' Dean laughed and then lay back down, his smile soon fading. The thought of school and the torment that was sure to resurface when he returned was making his stomach do little flips. He'd been too quick to forget it and now it was all coming crashing back down on him.

 

*

 

'See ya, Dean.' Sam clapped his brother on the back before walking off to join his group of friends.

Dean sucked in a deep breath, completely regretting his decision to return to school. He'd finally found a way out, an escape and now he'd just been thrown back in. He had to remind himself that this was for Cas, his best friend who was hurting and who needed him.

'Okay, let's get this over with.' Dean surged forward towards the gates, closely followed by Cas.

'Wait, Dean, stop,' Cas whispered as they entered the form building.

'What is it?'

'He is bearded.' He pointed a finger at a boy leaning carelessly against a locker on the other side of the hallway.

Dean narrowed his eyes and took a proper look at the boy. He had thin brown hair and a well-trimmed burst of facial fuzz. He was skinny and appeared to be talking through his teeth at the girl stood before him. He was only about an inch taller than her yet seemed to tower over her completely, coming across as extremely intimidating. Dean didn't like him already.

'Do you think he was the one who hurt you?'

Cas nodded his head uncertainly. 'I believe he was, but I am not sure about what further actions to take.' He looked down at the linoleum floor.

'Don't worry, Cas, I'll get him.' He patted his friend's shoulder reassuringly before starting to walk to his form room.

'Dean?' The teacher sounded shocked at the student's arrival.

'Hey,' Dean muttered. He roughly pulled out a chair and sat, scratching his hand nervously. He wasn't prepared to be back here and he knew it. He could feel the stares boring into his back which made him scratch more vigorously.

'Dean stop it,' Cas hissed, worriedly eyeing Dean's hand.

'I'm fine.' Dean let his arm rest at his side and glared at the whiteboard ahead. He prayed for the day to go by quickly.

 

 

* * *

 

Mercifully, Dean had reached lunch time with hardly any disturbances. Zach was nowhere to be seen and his entourage needed to follow orders. As they weren't receiving any, they tended to back off until further notice from Zach.

'So, find anything out about the beard guy?' Dean asked Sam as he sat down at the table - Sam sat with Cas and Dean today for a change instead of in the adjoining middle school's cafeteria.

'Not too much. I know his name's Alastair Heyerdahl and he joined the school right about the time dad... died... He made friends with some of the bitchy girls and now he's kinda turning this place into some sort of... Hell.'

'And that's why he threw Cas into the locker.' Dean took a sip of his drink and then looked over at his friend. 'Hey, are you alright? You've been... quiet today.'

'I do not like it here,' Cas replied solemnly.

'If you haven't noticed, none of us do, Cas, but we gotta suck it up.'

'Freak.' Dean heard someone cough behind him. He clapped his hands together slowly and sarcastically which caused the girl to glare at him and then walk on.

'You think they'd have given up on the name-calling by now.'

Sam and Cas looked apologetically at Dean.

'Dean, it's not tr-'

'Don't give me that sympathy crap, I'm fine.' Dean angrily took another swig of his drink before slamming it back down onto the table.

Sam paused before deciding to pick the previous subject up again.

'This Alastair guy... He got transferred from somewhere in Canada, I don't know where specifically. But, get this, he got expelled for cutting another student's right ear off with some scissors.' Sam's eyes were alight with interest. It was like the kid was born for research.

'Jeez. Looks like you got off lucky, Cas. So, how did he even do it?'

'I don't know. I mean this could be just rumours. I guess I could look at his file for you.'

'We're not going CSI: Miami on this kid, Sam, we just needed to know who he was.'

'Sorry...' Sam looked away, embarrassed at his obvious enthusiasm.

'What do you suggest happens now, Dean?' Cas stared at the other boy, waiting for an answer.

'I say we get a little payback. I'm still buzzed from kicking Zach's butt and that was months ago.'

'Dean, I do not want- I do not wish to give Alastair payback.'

'Eh, fine, suit yourself. But _I_  want to and how long do you think it's gunna take before he takes a shot at me.' Dean knew he would be a victim to Alastair's torture sooner or later; it was inevitable. Even the kids who weren't evil to the core teased him, surely Alastair would take an interest in his unhappiness.

'I gotta go.' Sam stood up and waved goodbye to Cas and Dean. 'I'll meet you at the gates.'

 

 

* * *

 

Dean had walked out of his maths lesson. He was in the boy's toilets, staring at himself in the mirror. He splashed his face with water, his hands trailing over the bumps of his flawed skin.

'Hello, Dean.' A nasal voice sounded from behind him. He turned to see Alastair slouching against a graffiti plastered cubicle.

'Alastair.'

'Ah, I see you know me.' A symbol-engraved silver blade was dancing across his fingers as he toyed with it.

'I've heard of your work.'

'Incredibly cocky, aren't we, Dean. I'm surprised, I really am.'

'And why would that be?' Dean stared at him coldly.

'Well, you see, I know a lot about you. And I know what you're capable of.' Alastair grinned and moved towards Dean, stopping just in front of him. 'I know your secrets.' Alastair held on to the sleeve of Dean's button up shirt.

'What are you-' Dean was cut off by the sound of fabric tearing. He looked down to see Alastair's blade resting dangerously close to his skin. His upper arm was now exposed completely.

'You thought poor little Castiel would not notice. You thought he would just assume it was from the fire. Well... _I_  noticed, Dean.' Alastair stared into his eyes knowingly. 'This is not fire damage, Dean. These are marks from a blade.'

'Get your hands off me.' Dean ripped his arm out of Alastair's grasp, narrowly missing the knife edge.

'Now why would you want to inflict pain upon yourself when you already suffer so much, hm? You'd be a great member on the team, Dean. Less freak, more... _chic_.' Alastair cackled at his rhyme.

'What team?'

'You could say my _following_. I've made quite the impact here. Things are changing. And if you don't join me...' Alastair shrugged and beamed widely.

'You're one sick son of a bitch you know that?'

'I'll take that as a compliment.' Alastair's grin stayed on his face as he stuffed the knife into his pocket and turned around, making his way towards the door. 'Oh, and see if your little faggot friend will sew that up for you.' A laugh echoed around the room and then faded as the boy left. Dean felt sick to the pit of his stomach. Bile rose in his throat and he filled with hatred. How could Alastair know all of this? How could he act like this? Dean grabbed his bag and walked out of the room, shadowing Alastair's steps.

 

*

 

Dean waited at the gates for Cas and Sam. He had bunked his last two lessons, not exactly wanting to return after his run-in with Alastair.

'Hey, Dean. Cas here yet?'

'Well can you see him?'

'No.'

'Well then he's not here then, is he?' Dean snapped.

'What's got you so on edge?'

'Just shut your pie hole, Sam.' Dean leaned against the wall.

'What did I do?!'

'Just shut up.'

'Did I intrude at a bad time?' Cas' voice reached Dean's ears and made him soften slightly before he remembered Alastair. He rubbed his upper arm defensively where the cuts were situated and began to walk forward.

'Dean's on his period.'

'It is impossible for a male-'

'It was a joke, Cas,' Dean sighed. He was becoming more and more irritated at his brother - he really didn't need his pointless comments right now.

Twenty minutes of awkward quietness followed. They reached Bobby's and stopped before they entered the house.

'Dean, could you move?' Sam's voice was laced with frustration.

'Cas, can I talk to you?' Dean asked, ignoring Sam.

'Of course.'

Dean stared at Sam, willing him to leave them alone.

'Fine, I'll go.' Sam rolled his eyes and opened the rotting wooden door.

'Cas, did you see Alastair at all? Was he in any of your lessons?'

'No, I don't believe he was.' Cas' fingers were gripping at the sleeves of his battered trench coat.

'Good, because-'

Dean was cut off by Sam's shout. He ran inside and made his way to the source of the noise. Sam was crouched in the corner of the library, staring at Bobby's desk. There was no one there.

'Sam, what the hell?!'

Sobs erupted from inside Sam's chest and he lifted a finger to point to the desk. Dean walked cautiously over and then gasped, backing away from the horrendous sight before him.

'Dean! What is it?' Cas was panicked and tried to see the cause of both of the brother's shock. Pain ripped across Dean's face and he stopped Cas from going any further.

'Bobby...' he choked out before tugging at Cas' coat and grabbing Sam's shirt. He pulled them away from the study and up to his room. As Castiel was being dragged up the stairs, he caught a glimpse of Bobby. He was sprawled out on the floor, directly beneath the fireplace. His desk chair had been knocked over and was lying on top of his chest, covering some of the damage. Cas gasped as he took in the sight of Bobby. His ribcage had been ripped out through his chest, bones jutting out, organs seeping out from inside of the body, free from the bone's constriction. Blood was splattered over his old shirt and the floorboards. Bobby's face was warped with pain, frozen like that in death.

Dean tugged Cas' coat again, drawing him away from the sickening scene in the library.

 

*

 

Dean had hugged Sam close to him until he'd fallen asleep. Cas had sat on the chair in the corner, feeling out of place. When Sam had become unconscious, eyes tired from crying, Dean had carried him to his bed, needing to speak with Cas. When Dean returned, he sat cross-legged in the centre of his bed.

'I can't shake the feeling that I was born to suffer,' he croaked. Cas got up and joined Dean on the bed, hugging him to his chest.

'It's okay,' Cas soothed into the other boy's hair.

'Um, about that. No it's not. Bobby's mutilated dead body's downstairs, my dad's dead, my mom's dead, a guy who just joined my school happens to know everything about me that I've tried so hard to hide, I look like I just walked out of a horror movie and I have attempted suicide more than once and I'm only at the tender age of sixteen. Oh, not to mention I'm being hugged by a guy who I think is pretty hot and I think I'm in love with. Yeah, life's freaking  _peachy_.' Dean's voice dripped with sarcasm but he nuzzled his head into the crook of Cas' neck lovingly. Cas could feel the wetness of Dean's now freely flowing tears seep through his thin clothing.

'Dean... I can't even begin to imagine how this feels for you-'

'Cas, please don't. You don't need to do this. You have enough shit going on, you don't need me weighing you down. You don't need to give out help when you need it yourself.' Dean contradicted his dismissive words by clinging onto Cas even more tightly. It felt like if he let go, he'd shatter into a million pieces. He needed Cas' body for support.

'I know I am an inadequate antidote... but you still have me. And I will not be going anywhere.' Cas shoved his face into Dean's light brown hair, wanting to keep him safe, wanting to keep him close, wanting to make it all better.

'I can't put up with this much longer, Cas. I've tried so hard to think it's okay... But now Bobby's gone and... and he was the only one left. He was like a dad to me and Sammy when we were growing up. All I want is for it to all be okay, Cas, please, I need it to all be okay, Dean cried into Cas' chest, pleading him. Cas felt awful that he couldn't do anything to help Dean but be there for him.

'We're both fucked up, Dean but we need each other. I will try and help you as you will try and help me. And don't you dare do anything stupid, I'm here, Dean. Don't you ever forget that. I'm here.' Cas kissed the top of Dean's head, surprising himself with the affectionate action.

Dean continued to sob into Cas' chest, overwhelmed with the outburst of emotion. He'd kept this grief inside for so long, letting it all out was draining for him. He fell asleep in Cas' arms deciding he wouldn't be returning to school this Friday.

 

 

* * *

 

Sam had sleepwalked that night. He had found his way back to Dean's room and had lay down at the foot of the bed. He dreamed of an ordinary thing. It was a picture-perfect park, the sun was shining, there was miles of beautiful lush green grass, children playing in a play park on the borders of the grass, families gathered together. Sam's eyes explored the area until they fell upon a certain family sitting beneath a large oak tree. He wandered towards them and then took a closer look. His father, mother, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Dean, without a single burn on his face, and Cas were sat on a plaid rug. A basket was placed in the middle, filled to the brim with delicious food, put together by Mary, Ellen and Jo, Sam was sure of it. Then all eyes were on him. Happy faces grinning up at him.

'Sam, darling, you shouldn't play with those other boys, they look rough. Come and eat something.' His mother held out a hand to him and he sat next to her. His father ruffled his hair and he looked over to see Dean and Cas sitting closely together. Dean was play fighting with Jo whilst Bobby looked on, muttering about how immature they were being. Ellen kissed his cheek and told him not to worry, they were just being kids.

It was all so perfect.

Sam woke up crying, shaking as broken sobs coursed through him. He'd never realised how badly he wanted his family, how badly he  _needed_  his family.

He got up off the floor and crawled onto the bed, cuddling up to Dean and Cas' intertwined sleeping forms.

 

*

 

'Sammy?' Dean whispered as he awoke. He had his arms wrapped around his brother and Cas. He carefully removed them and lifted himself up off the bed. Dean made his way down to the library and stared at the still form behind the desk.

'Oh, Bobby.' Dean's voice was pained. He padded into the kitchen and glanced at the clock. 10:50. Too late for school then. He searched through the cupboards until he found what he needed. He reentered the library and tried to stop the tears from spilling as he covered Bobby in cloth and wrapped it tightly around him. He tied the cloth together and began to drag him out into the salvage yard. Light rain fell around him as he set Bobby down. He dug a deep hole and pushed the corpse into it. Dean couldn't prevent the tears from dropping as he covered the body in soil. He shouted towards the sky, letting his emotions take over. When his voice was hoarse, he fell to the floor and shook.

 

 

* * *

 

'Dean! Why didn't you wake me up?!' Sam shouted down the stairs.

Dean was cradling a coffee mug whilst sat at the kitchen table. His eyes were red and had purple bags underneath them.

'Dean... Where's Bobby?' Sam asked softly as he entered the kitchen and saw the state Dean was in.

'I er... I dealt with it.' Dean coughed and looked away, staring blankly at the wall.

'You didn't have to do that,' Sam whispered, feeling sick.

'Yeah actually, I did. Hey, Sammy, would you mind not telling anyone about this? I don't want to move again.' Dean's voice was scratchy and faint.

'Of course I won't.' Sam leaned against the wall and watched as his brother took a sip of his drink. He spotted the half empty bottle of alcohol next to Dean. He assumed that not all of the liquid in Dean's cup was coffee but he didn't comment on it.

Sam could hear Cas jogging down the stairs, dressed in Dean's clothing.

'Cas, I need to talk to you,' Sam said as he walked out of the door, he bare feet becoming damp as he walked across the wet soil. Cas followed him out, leaving Dean to continue staring at the wall, wrapped in his own thoughts.

'Why do you wish to speak with me?' Cas asked, shivering slightly.

'Dean had to bury Bobby.'

Cas gasped, thinking about the emotions that were likely to be playing around in Dean's head. 'That's awful. Should I attempt to comfort him?'

'I think we need to leave him alone for a while.' Sam looked through the window at his brother.

'Of course.' Cas turned and entered the house, Sam followed and soon they were all gathered together in the kitchen.

'So you guys... You guys were talking about me, huh.' Dean's speech was slightly slurred. He gazed into his now empty cup, eyelids heavy. He brazenly poured the alcohol into the mug and took a large gulp of the golden brown liquid.

'Dean, I think you should go back to bed,' Sam murmured, becoming scared at the amount of alcohol Dean was consuming.

Dean slammed the cup down and refilled it once more. 'Fucking say it... to my... face,' he spluttered out, his mind numbing as he drank more of the fluid.

'You are not well, please come upstairs.' Cas moved towards Dean and held his arm.

'Get the fuck off me, Cas-chel!' Dean roared as he tore his arm from Cas' grasp. Cas jumped back, scared by Dean.

'Dean! Calm down!' Sam shouted.

'Tell me to fucking calm down! You fucking waste of space!' Dean stood up and wobbled slightly. 'You can all die, just like everyone else in my family.' Dean smiled drunkenly and staggered up the stairs.

Cas and Sam were rooted to the spot. Tears were escaping their eyes as Dean's drunken words sunk in.

'He doesn't mean it, Sam,' Cas whispered.

'I know. But does it hurt less when you tell that to yourself?'

Cas shook his head, sat on the chair Dean had previously occupied, and put his head in his hands.

 

 

* * *

 

Dean woke up with a excruciating headache. He gripped his forehead and then sat up, feeling nauseous. He looked around noticing that he was alone and in the dark.

'Sammy? Cas?' Dean called out. There was no reply. He groaned as he stood up, vomit rising in his throat. He managed to keep it down as he shuffled out of his bedroom door. He moved through the dark and made his way to Sam's room. Slowly, he opened the door and found Sam tucked up in his bed and Cas lying on top of some covers on the floor. Dean hobbled over to Cas' makeshift bed and lay down beside him, wrapping his arms around his waist. He breathed in Cas' freshly washed hair and gradually sank into unconsciousness, completely oblivious to what he had said earlier on.

 

*

 

The following days were tense. Hardly a word was spoken between the boys. Cas stayed with Sam and Dean, however, not wanting to go back to his house. He had decided that Dean really didn't need the added pressure of Cas standing up to his father; it could wait.

On the Sunday, there was a knock on the door. Dean answered.

'Why hello, what a lovely home.' Alastair grinned sickeningly.

'How the hell do you know where I live?!' Dean demanded, half shrouded by the door.

'How did you like my handiwork?' Alastair avoided the question.

'What?'

Alastair made a 'tut' noise with his tongue and began to walk away from Dean. Dean closed the door behind him and followed Alastair out into the yard. Alastair slouched against a rusty '71 Chevelle.

'I feel as if I should say "sorry for your loss" but I'd be lying.' A sly smile spread across Alastair's face.

And then it all clicked into place.

'Wait... You... _You_  did this to Bobby?' Dean's throat was dry and his voice came out as barely above a whisper.

Alastair clapped his hands together slowly and began to laugh. 'Bingo.'

Dean lunged forward, his hands gripped tightly around Alastair's neck. 'You sick, twisted son of a bitch. How could you?' Tears were spilling down Dean's cheeks.

'Now, now, Dean, no need to get emotion-' Alastair was cut off by Dean's grip constricting even more air.

'I swear to god, I will kill you if it's the last thing I fucking do.' Dean spat in the other boy's face.

'Why don't you just take me down to the station? Or kill me  _now._ ' Alastair's voice was barely audible and he struggled to catch a breath.

Dean laughed maniacally but then his voice was soft. 'How does it feel to ruin someone's life?'

Alastair just choked out a long string of laughter. Dean smiled down at him and then smashed a fist into his face. Alastair went limp, blood oozing from his nose and mouth, eyelids drooping.

Dean threw him to the floor and walked away, shaking. He began to run back towards the house and opened some cupboards, searching desperately for Bobby's alcohol stash. When he finally found it he unscrewed the cap on a whiskey bottle and shoved the top between his lips. He threw his head back and gulped down, fire coursing down his throat in ribbons, reaching his stomach and filling his body with warmth. He carried on swallowing the liquid until he finally collapsed on the floor, a drunken, half dead, fucked up mess, the fading sunlight landing on his slumbering body.

Cas entered the kitchen and saw Dean, passed out with the remaining contents of the whiskey bottle spilling out onto the floor. Cas quickly straightened the bottle up and broke down, half laying on top of Dean.

For a moment it was just a dream to Dean. Bobby was still alive and kicking. He came in and leant over Dean, shaking him awake, tears falling from his tired eyes. And Dean got up and hugged Bobby to him, clapping the old man on the back. Bobby was alive, he was fine and dandy. Alastair had fucked off back to Canada and everything as great. However, this was not reality, how the hell could everything be that good for even just a minute in Dean's life. His eyes properly opened and he saw that it wasn't Bobby shaking him and crying, it was Cas. Bobby wasn't here, of course he wasn't. How could Dean have been so stupid as to think that he'd be here. He'd died after all. Yeah, that's right, everyone died.

'Dean!' Cas breathed out, relieved.

Dean didn't know how long he'd been unconscious, all he knew was that the sky outside the window was now pitch black and stars were scattered across it, twinkling brightly. They'd probably died millions of years ago, their light only reaching Dean's eyes after death.

'I told Sam that he probably shouldn't be around you, that you'd been drinking again. He went to stay at Jess' house... Turns out they're most certainly not enemies.' Cas chuckled lightly at the memory of him and Dean sitting eating cereal together after the first night he'd stayed over, where Jess had first been mentioned.

'Why the fuck would you send him away?' Dean was angry. Something in his subconscious told him he shouldn't be, that he was hurting Cas and that he should stop, but the alcohol clouded his brain and was the dominant voice, making him lash out at Cas.

'Dean, it's okay.' Cas was scared, his voice shook with fear. He didn't want Dean to be like this. He was his only friend and Cas had thought of him as an escape from his father.

Dean shoved himself up off the floor, pushing Cas aside. He staggered forward and tripped up the stairs and collapsed into his bed, a more rational part of his hammered mind telling him that he needed to get away from Cas and into bed.

 

 

* * *

 

Castiel was sobbing as he grabbed the last bottle of booze. He unscrewed the cap and poured it down the sink, the rich brown liquid slipping down the plughole, the smell staining the basin. There was no more alcohol in the house, he was sure of it. Dean, being only sixteen, wouldn't be able to buy any more of the awful substance. Dean was a completely different person when drunk and Castiel thought it best though that he got rid of the drink; he didn't want to be scared of Dean. If this was how Dean was dealing with the loss... Well, he'd have to find another way.

 

*

 

'Where's Sam?' Dean muttered, rubbing his eyes.

'Sam is at school, as I told you yesterday.' Cas sipped at his coffee absently.

Dean dipped his head and stared at the floor. 'Cas... Cas, was he scared of me?'

Cas nodded in response. 'He hates seeing you in such a way that you would wish death upon us.'

'I wished  _what_?'

There was no reply and Dean staggered back.

'Cas, you know I would never want anything to happen to you or Sam. That was the drink talkin'.'

'That may be so, but it doesn't change much. Sam and I... we still  _feared_  you. We still...' Cas broke off, not finishing the sentence.

'Please look at me.' Cas lifted his tired eyes from the floor and stared directly into Dean's, 'I know... I know I'm a complete  _dick_  when I'm drunk, believe me, I know, but can you please tell me how else I can deal with all of...  _this_.'

Cas sighed, dropping his gaze back down to the ground. 'Dean, I can't comprehend the amount of pain you feel. And I hate that I don't know how to make it better.'

Dean's shoulders slumped and he walked over to the empty chair opposite Cas. 'It hurts so much... And all the pain... It just _leaves_  when I'm drunk.'

Cas nodded. 'I understand, Dean. Maybe I should return home.'

'No,' Dean snapped, turning aggressive. 'There is no way in hell you're going back there without me, you understand?'

The dark-haired boy heaved a sigh and returned to drinking his coffee. A hand brushed his cheek and he looked up, startled. 'What are you doing?'

Dean exhaled loudly and rested his hand back on the table. 'I don't want to hurt anyone, Cas, and I don't want  _him_  to hurt you.'

'I know.' Cas pushed himself away from the table and put his now empty cup in the sink. He gripped the counter, knuckles growing white.

Dean moved towards the shorter boy and placed a firm hand on his waist. Cas' body jumped under the sudden pressure. 'Cas, I know how hard it's been for you too...'

'Stop.'

'And I know I should be here for you because I know-'

'Stop!' Cas shouted, squirming out of Dean's grip, his back forcefully hitting the counter. 'Don't think for a  _second_  that you can understand  _my_  situation, Dean.' And with that, Cas left, slamming the door behind him. Dean placed a hand over his eyes and began to silently sob. He didn't know what he'd done exactly, but he'd fucked up; everything was fucked up. Bobby was gone, his dad was gone, his mom was gone, hell, maybe even Cas was gone now too.

'Fuck.'

 

 

* * *

 

Castiel quietly shut the door behind him and tiptoed towards the kitchen. He could hear his father's snores emanating from the floor above so he knew he was safe for the moment.

'Castiel!' His mother breathed a sigh of relief. She was standing, washing dishes in the corner of the kitchen.

'Did he... Did he hurt you?' Castiel whispered, eyes filling with sadness.

His mother looked down into the dirty water, not answering his question. 'He wondered where you were, you know. He does care about you, Castiel.'

He laughed sarcastically, 'I'm sure.'

'Please, do not behave like this. You are his son.'

'You're his wife.' A tense silence spread throughout the room, his mother avoiding eye contact.

'Where were you?'

Castiel balled his fists as he answered, 'I was with a... _f_ _riend_.'

'This  _friend_... are you and he together?' His mother's voice shook with uncertainty.

'Not as such.'

'Well, you know how I feel about this sort of thing...' She smiled slightly, it didn't reach her cold, blue eyes. 'Joshua will be over soon.'

'The Father?'

'Yes. He is very helpful in the way that he understands I cannot go to the church any longer, he comes over now to pray with me when your father is asleep. Of course, you have not been at home so you wouldn't know.'

'Have you ever thought of standing up to him?'

'No.' She answered too quickly, in a too defensive manner. 'He is my husband, and I am loyal to him, you must understand that, Castiel, and you are his son.'

'Mother, you want to get away don't you?'

'Has your friend been putting these ideas into your head? You would never have questioned his actions before you knew  _him_.' His mother had raised her voice slightly, but it was still no more than a murmur.

'He has made me realise that we live a fucking  _dismal_  life, full of pain!' Castiel spat out.

Suddenly, his cheek hurt. He lifted his hand to cup it and looked up at his mother whose hand was raised in the air, mouth open in shock.

'I slapped you...' she mouthed, her tiny voice disbelieving.

Castiel ran out of the house, tears streaming down his cheeks. One of the last people he had left in the world had turned into a stranger. His mother cared for him, he knew that. She'd always taken care of him, but now... Now she was exactly like his father. No matter how small the action was, it still meant the same to Castiel.

He didn't know where he was running to until he was at the front door. It opened and Dean pulled him into a tight hug as soon as he noticed the tear tracks. And Castiel was home.

 

*

 

'I know who killed him.' Dean and Cas were lying on the bed, hands intertwined.

'Who?' Cas propped himself up on his elbow and stared into Dean's eyes solemnly.

'Alastair.'

Cas' eyes widened, his breath quickening. 'No. No, it can't have been.'

Dean nodded, the back of his head grazing the bed covers. 'He was here, before I passed out. Well, that's kinda  _why_  I passed out.'

'I can't believe it... Dean, I'm so sorry.'

'What the hell is there to be sorry for, Cas? Sure, I didn't know he had  _that_  in him, but what's done is done. No need to be sorry.'

Cas dipped his head and relaxed onto Dean's chest. Somehow, everything just seemed easy between them now. They knew they needed each other so slipping into each other's arms was just natural, supportive.

'Now are you gonna tell me why you showed up here crying?'

He shuffled around uneasily before answering. 'She slapped me, Dean. My mother slapped me.'

Dean hugged Cas a little tighter to him. 'Un-fucking-believable. Why?!'

'Because I wanted to teach her to be free. And I swore, I think that was what did it.'

'She fucking hit you because you  _swore_. Cas, you're not going back there. There's nothing for you there.'

'How can you say that? The only reason she did it because she's slipped into this routine where she's abused and she's loyal to my father. I still love my mother, Dean. She deserves to be free no matter what her actions were today. So yes, there is something for me there. It's still my family!'

'I don't get it. Start being at least a little selfish, Cas!  _You_  deserve to get away from all that crap, not anybody else!'

'Please! Please, don't talk like that!' Cas pushed himself off Dean and awkwardly stood by the side of the bed. 'I don't want to speak about this anymore. I'll have nowhere to go if we argue, Dean, and I do not wish to sleep on a park bench tonight. I've been through enough.'

'Right. Right... I'm sorry.' Dean tugged on the sleeve of Cas' trench coat, pulling him back onto the bed. They lay together for a while, Dean stroking the smaller boy's dark hair soothingly.

'Cas?'

'Yes?' His response was quiet, nervous.

'Can I... Um... Can I kiss you?'

Cas held himself up and looked at Dean's face - his scars, his flaws, giant forest-green orbs - and then lowered himself back down, resting his head just above his lips.

'Dean?'

Dean inhaled the smell of Cas' sweet breath, like honey and vanilla, whilst nodding.

'You don't need to ask me.'

Cas closed the small gap between them and pressed his lips onto Dean's. It was a soft kiss, only a drawn out peck, but it felt amazing to both boys. They'd waited for so long to just be able to lock their lips together without being scared and now it was finally happening. It felt easy, smooth and comforting.

'Tell me why you're with me,' Dean whispered when Cas had broken away from the kiss and nestled back onto his chest.

'Dean, we've been through this.'

'Tell me again.' A single tear rolled down his cheek.

Castiel began to murmur calming words of adoration into Dean's ear, lulling him to sleep, the last of the previous tense atmosphere diminishing with each syllable spoken.

The truth was, Dean needed Cas to keep reminding him that this was reality, that someone actually wanted him, maybe even  _needed_  him. It was good to feel wanted. The constant niggling reminder in the back of his mind of the burns that stretched over a large part of Dean's skin was gently ebbing away with each word that Cas uttered, enough for Dean to almost forget that he was imperfect, blemished and marred goods.

With thoughts of Castiel filling his grief-ridden mind, replacing the evil that lay there, Dean was able to drift into a comfortable slumber.

 

 

* * *

 

'Castiel... Cas!' Sam hissed at the bottom of the stairs.

Castiel was still awake, watching Dean peacefully sleep. He heard Sam and carefully untangled himself from Dean's embrace, being careful not to wake him. He crept out of the room and met Sam at the bottom of the stairs.

'I thought you were staying with Jessica for a while longer?'

'I was... But I needed to see if Dean was okay. I thought I'd whisper in case he was drunk. I don't want to see him like that again, Cas.'

'It's alright, Sam, I got rid of the alcohol. I think he's been coping a little better today.'

'I'm really worried about him... He hasn't been dealing well enough with all of this. There's been talk at school too, that Alastair has something to do with it all?'

Castiel's fists clenched and he gritted his teeth, 'Don't believe any of it.' Sam would be told the truth at some point, but there was no way Castiel was letting him hear it from his self-absorbed, idiotic peers.

'Don't worry, Cas, I know it's all talk. Can I see Dean?' Sam peered around Castiel's shoulder, glancing up the stairs, a look of concern and longing in his soft eyes.

'He's sleeping at the moment. I could wake him?'

'No, don't worry. I promised Jess I'd go back... So I'll see you tomorrow?'

'Goodbye, Sam.'

Sam nodded, turned on his heel and walked out of the front door, shutting it quietly behind him.

Castiel pulled a hand through his hair, sighing as he sunk down to sit on the bottom step. He felt sorry for the boy, having to see his brother suffer like this whilst going through enough emotional crap himself. Castiel was glad he at least had Jess to help keep him sane.

'Cas?' Dean croaked from the top of the stairs.

'Sam was just here, I told him you were sleeping. He's coming back tomorrow,' he replied, rising from his seat on the step.

Dean rubbed a hand over his sleepy eyes. 'I promise not to drink anymore. Not when it hurts you and Sammy like this.'

'Thank you, Dean.'

The drowsy boy staggered down the stairs and wrapped his arms around Castiel lazily. Castiel was content with the fact that he and Dean were becoming even closer. He just worried he had become almost too dependent on him.

Their relationship was far from plain sailing - they both had strong opinions and enough emotional traumas going on in their lives - but Castiel knew that they were helping each other, building up each other's confidence little by little. And the bad made the good seem even better.

'I'll make us some breakfast.' Dean let go of Castiel and wandered over to Bobby's kitchen.

'Dean, it's almost four PM.'

'Do you want food or not?' Dean grinned as he searched for the pop tarts he knew were hiding in one of the cupboards.

Castiel smiled to himself and moved over to join Dean.

 

*

 

'So... Do you really wish to give up the alcohol?' Cas gulped down some orange juice as he looked at Dean.

'Yeah, of course. It's stupid drinking like that when you hurt the only people you love. The only people who make life worth livin'.' Dean bit into a burnt pop tart and chewed absently.

Castiel deliberated before speaking. 'Dean, are you going back to school?'

Dean let out a low chuckle and swallowed loudly. 'Fuck no.'

'But... There are final exams soon.'

'That I'd fail anyway. Come on, it's not like anyone's missing me.'

'I miss you,' Cas murmured before going red and nibbling on his pop tart.

'Aw, Cas. That's adorable, really, but there's no fucking way I'm going back there. Too much personal shit anyway. You shouldn't go back there either.'

'I do want qualifications...'

'Dude, there's a murderer at our school, Bobby's murderer no less, and you still want to go back there to get qualifications?' Dean sounded disbelieving as he stared into Cas' large blue eyes.

Cas let out a long sigh and decided to drop the subject. 'We should go out.'

Dean smirked, 'What, and scare the whole neighbourhood?'

The dark-haired boy frowned. 'Dean, please.'

'Alright, alright. Care to elaborate on your genius idea?'

'We should go and see a movie.'

Dean paused before answering. 'Why?'

Cas blushed once more and dipped his head. 'I really like you Dean,' he said to the table.

'I really like you too, Cas,' Dean laughed. 'So you wanna show me off, eh?' He joked.

'Um.. Yes.' Cas was now a deep shade of red. Dean revelled in the fact that he'd put the blush there and affectionately stroked Cas' cheek. Cas jumped slightly as the touch; it was mostly foreign to him and he was surprised at how relaxed Dean was.

'I thought you'd be more cool with the touching after last night. Sorry.'

'No, I... I liked it. It was just... surprising.' Cas grinned widely and put his hand over Dean's.

'I'm going to go make a bitter, black coffee before I grow a vagina.' Dean laughed lightly before getting up off his chair.

Cas grimaced before following Dean to the coffee machine. 'I don't believe it is strictly possible for you to simply "grow" female genitals. You would have to go through a medical procedure.' The confused frown stayed planted on Cas' face.

'Jesus, Cas.' Dean chuckled again and slung his arm around Cas' shoulder.

 

 

* * *

 

Sam came back the next day. Dean and Cas had fallen asleep on the bed, curled up next to each other but had woken up an hour before Sam returned.

'Dean!' Sam ran towards his older brother and pulled him into a tight hug.

'Heya, Sammy.' Dean hugged him back, pulling him close, not realising until then how much he missed his brother even if it was just for a few days.

'I missed you.'

'Took the words right out of my mouth.'

'Dean I-'

Sam was cut off by the weak ringing of the doorbell. A questioning look ghosted over Dean's features before he straightened up and marched towards the front door.

He swung the door open to reveal a kind-looking blonde woman dressed in a floral shirt and black jeans. She was carrying a food item that was concealed by a checkered cloth.

'Um, hi?' Dean gave her a strange look, trying to think whether or not he'd seen her before.

Confusion crossed the woman's features as she took in Dean's face. The emotion soon turned to sympathy as she placed a name to the face. 'You must be Dean Winchester!' She held out a hand, balancing the cloth covered item on her other arm.

Dean cautiously shook her hand. 'Er, yeah. Yeah, I am.'

'Bobby's told me quite a bit about you and your brother.'

Dean was about to make a sarcastic comment about how she knew it was him but she cut in quickly.

'I'm Marcy Ward. I do believe we've been neighbours for a few weeks now. I've never had the chance to come and say hi. So I thought I would... catch up with... Bobby.' Her cheeks filled with colour as she mentioned his name which left Dean slightly puzzled. She gave a small shake of her head before pressing on with her introduction, 'And also find out a bit more about you boys.' She beamed at the eldest Winchester.

Dean gulped, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. 'Bobby's busy right now.'

'Oh, but I brought peach cobbler!' She pouted dramatically before smiling again. 'Nobody's too busy for my peach cobbler!'

'I said he's busy.' Dean's voice was cold and harsher than he expected.

Marcy's facial expression dropped slightly as she understood the seriousness of Dean's tone. 'Oh... Well, give this to him. He'll enjoy it.'

She handed the cobbler over to Dean and an uncomfortable silence settled around them.

Marcy finally spoke, shifting on her feet, 'I... I better be off then... It was nice meeting you!'

'You too.' Dean shut the door on her and took the cobbler into the kitchen where Cas and Sam were waiting.

Dean knew he'd been rude to Marcy, but he didn't want to think about the fact that Bobby was gone and that Bobby would never have a chance to eat his slice of peach cobbler or that he'd never get to even talk to the people who used to make him smile.

'Who was that then?' Cas asked, leaning against the counter.

'A neighbour... She wanted to talk to Bobby and I acted like a dick.' He let out a sigh.

'Dean, that's a perfectly normal response. Don't worry,' Cas soothed.

'I'm going to bed. Night, Sammy, Cas.'

'Dean, it's four-'

'I don't care, I don't feel so great.' Dean sighed again and then made his way up the stairs. He got under the covers in his bed and began to weep until his red-rimmed eyes fluttered closed and he drifted off to sleep.

 

*

 

When Dean woke up, the house was dark. He sat up hastily, rubbing at his bleary eyes.

'Cas? Sammy?' He called out before stumbling from under the covers. He wrapped his arms around himself, the chill of the night seeping into his now exposed skin. He decided to ignore the fact that most of his damaged flesh is on show for a change.

He opened the door and peered out, seeing dim light filtering out from Sam's room. Breathing out a sigh of a relief, he made his way to his little brother's room. Sam was sat on his bed, head bowed over a comic book.

'Sammy?'

He jumped slightly before his features smoothed out. 'Dean.'

'Where's Cas?' Dean rubbed the back of his neck and yawned.

'Oh.' Sam looked down, seeming almost bashful. 'He went home.'

Dean's eyes widened considerably as he processed the information.

'What the fuck?'

'He said he needed to go back there, to see what was going on, I guess. Said he'd be back after school tomorrow though. He's coming to school with me.' A bright smile spread across Sam's face.

'No, he can't go back there. He can't...'

A sympathetic pout settled on Sam's lips. 'He needs his family, Dean, I don't know why the hell you wouldn't let him go back there when he needs to see his-'

'You don't know a fucking thing, Sam, so shut your mouth.'

Hurt flashed in Sam's eyes and he looked down again, his face burning and his eyes stinging.

'Sammy, don't cry,' Dean sighed, moving over to sit on the bed. Sam just shuffled away.

'You and Cas are all I have left, Dean, do you understand? If something's hurting him and you, I wanna know. Because it's hurting me too.'

'It's not your place to know-'

'Whatever, Dean.' Sam squeezed his eyes shut and rolled onto his side, facing away from his brother.

'Sammy-'

'I have school tomorrow,' Sam replied dismissively. Dean huffed out a loud breath and left the room, muttering something along the lines of  _what the hell time is it anyway?_

Dean fished his phone out from his pocket and stared at it for a while before pressing a single speed dial digit and then the call button. This number was number four on his speed dial list: Dad, Sam, Bobby-

'Hello, Dean.'

Dean shook the thought from his head that two of his most used numbers would never be called again.

'Cas, what the hell were you thinking going back there?'

A crackle that seemed like an exasperated exhale sounded on the other end of the line. 'I needed to go back, Dean.'

'Are you out of your fucking mind?'

'Dean, I lived many years like this before getting to know you, I think I can handle it.' Cas' voice was tired and he really sounded as if he didn't have any fight left in him.

'I know that. Did he... Did he hurt you?' Dean pressed his lips together tightly, anticipating the response.

There was a long pause before Cas answered coldly, 'Yes.'

'You see, this is why I don't fucking let you go back there!'

'You don't  _let_  me do anything, Dean. This is my family. I'll be back tomorrow after school.' The call went dead and it took Dean a while to register the fact that there was no one on the other end of the line.

Dean threw the phone across the room, propelling it through the air just to smash against the wall with a thunk. Thankfully it didn't break completely, as Dean would regret destroying the little machine once his anger had subsided.

He clambered back into bed then, glancing at the clock: 1:37.

Dean settled down into an uneasy sleep, exhausted even though he'd been unconscious for many hours beforehand.

 

*

 

Dean paced around Bobby's library for the most part of the day, coffee in hand, nerves taking over his body.

'God fucking damnit!' He shouted at one o'clock. He smashed the now empty coffee mug on the floor and charged up to his room, grabbing a long sleeved shirt and some jeans, underwear and socks. He made his way to the bathroom and decided to take a long, hot shower as a distraction. It paid off and Dean had wasted almost an hour and a half and almost, if not all, of their water supply.

Dean drummed his fingers on the desk, cautiously waiting for his brother and what ever the hell Cas was to walk in through the door. Alastair's face flashed in his mind which brought the anxiety up.

Finally, it was quarter past three and Dean had been through another eight cups of coffee since coming out of the shower. Cas wandered in through the door and Dean ran up to him and wrapped his arms around his waist, hugging him close. 'You're okay.' He breathed into Cas' shoulder.

'Yeah, Dean, I'm fine. I just went to school... Ow, that hurts, my dad...' Cas wormed his way out of Dean's grip, not finishing the sentence.

Dean straightened up and murmured 'sorry' under his breath. 'Hey.'

'Hey.'

'Where's Sammy?' There was an underlying tone of panic in Dean's voice which Cas picked up on.

'Dean, it's fine, he's with Jess.'

Dean let out a long breath he didn't know he was holding and put his hand on Cas' shoulder. 'Don't just leave without saying again, okay... I was really worriend about you.' He mumbled the last part, almost hoping Cas didn't hear it.

'You were?' A smile tugged at the corners of Cas' lips.

'Hell yeah!'

Cas surprised Dean by lunging forward and pressing his lips to Dean's. It was quite an urgent kiss at first but it soon smoothed out and became soft and meaningful.

'Wow, okay.' Dean flashed his teeth at the other boy and placed a hand on his waist, trench coat bunching under his grip.

Cas smiled back and planted another light kiss on Dean's lips and then on the tip of his nose.

'Adorable, Cas, really.'

'I'm sorry.'

Dean picked up on what Cas really meant he was sorry for and answered. 'No, you shouldn't be the one who's sorry... I shouldn't have let you see your dad, Cas.'

'It was my decision, Dean, and you shouldn't feel bad because of it.' Cas hugged Dean close to him.

'Why? Why would you want to see him?' Dean whispered, stroking Cas' hair.

'Do I really have to explain myself again?' Cas leaned back, away from the hug and sighed, shoulders rising and falling with the breath. He moved his hand and stroked the side of Dean's face, covering the scars with his palm. It was an extremely affectionate touch and it took Dean by surprise, but he leaned into Cas' hand.

Suddenly there was more skin on skin contact and Dean was crashing into the counter. Cas' lips covered his completely and Dean pushed back into the kiss. It was incredibly heated and Dean welcomed the contact but they were cut off by the sound of the door opening.

'Oh my god! Oh, gross, guys.' Sam stumbled backwards, embarrassed that he had interrupted. He'd walked in just as they had been pulling away from each other.

Cas was beet red and Dean simply smirked. 'Hey, man. Back from Jess' house?' Cas had tried to create a gap between the two of them but Dean was having none of it. He hooked his arm around Cas' waist and pulled him closer.

'Yeah, you could say that.' Sam rolled his eyes. 'Well, er, I've got homework so... yeah.' Sam dashed off up the stairs leaving Dean and Cas alone.

'Well that was embarrassing,' Cas croaked.

'You look cute, Cas.' Dean laughed, mussing up his hair even more.

Cas huffed, feeling self-conscious, and turned around, noticing that there were some dishes in the sink that needed to be washed. He then observed the large pile of dirty mugs.

'Dean, how many cups of coffee did you have today?'

Dean seemed to ponder, counting up to give his answer. 'Hm... Somewhere in the low hundreds, I lost count.'

'That sounds like something I'd say,' Cas chuckled. 'That's not healthy, you know... And you could have used the same mug, Dean. Now there's more washing up to do.'

'Shut up, Cas. Let me do it.' Dean grabbed the mug Cas had been washing out of his hand and started scrubbing the stain of coffee away.

They washed in silence for a few minutes before Cas spoke. 'Dean?'

'Yeah?'

Cas didn't answer for a while and Dean almost dropped it before he spoke once more.

'Do you still think I should stand up to my father?'

'When have I  _not_  thought that, Cas?'

'No, I know... But I've been thinking about it... a lot.'

'Go on.' He prompted.

'I stand by my first decision where I do it on my own. Completely and utterly.'

Dean ground his teeth together and practically spat out his answer, 'Fine.'

'I was thinking of doing it soon, whilst I still have my courage. You have made me so strong, Dean, I don't think I'd be able to do this if it weren't for you.'

Dean smiled to himself, eyes trained on the cup that was in his hands. 'I'm glad.'

Cas nudged him playfully with his shoulder and smirked. It faded slightly when he added, 'When?'

'Next week?' Cas nodded in response and they continued to wash the mugs in silence, fear and anticipation for an end to this pooling in their stomachs.

 

*

 

Suddenly, next week wasn't so far away, and Castiel could feel himself growing more and more anxious with the prospect that he would actually be standing up to his father and putting an end to all of the abuse. A huge weight was on his shoulders to deliver as well, and thinking that he'd be without Dean's support on the actual day was more than a little daunting. He stood his ground, however, and continued to refuse that Dean would accompany him other than driving him to his home.

'Dean?'

'Yeah?' Dean looked up from the drawing he was doing.

'When I do "save" myself and my mother from my father... Well, what happens then?'

'You go buy a white picket fence, put it up around your house and then live an apple pie life.' Dean grinned at Castiel.

'Come on, Dean, I'm serious.' Castiel planted himself in Dean's lap then, Dean's arms fitting easily around the dark haired boy.

'Truth is, I don't know. But it'll be better, I swear to you. We can do what we want, think about the details later.'

'But what if later never comes, Dean?' Castiel murmured, playing with a button on Dean's shirt.

'We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.' Dean winked at Castiel, kissing him lightly on the nose.

Sam walked in, turning red instantly seeing Castiel on his brother's lap. 'I have to go to school now... Cas, Dean, are you going in?'

'Nah.' Dean gave Sam a goofy smile before turning his attention back to Castiel.

'I might go in... If that's okay with Dean?' Castiel looked at Dean again, seeing the concern on his face.

'That don't exactly sit right with me, but you have to do what you want, Cas, it's not for me to decide.' He attempted to give a reassuring smile but it faltered promptly.

'Sorry, Sam, I'm staying here.' Castiel gave Dean a quick smile and a wink before climbing off his lap and patting Sam on the shoulder. He left the kitchen then, deciding to make his way to Dean's room.

 

 

* * *

 

'Hey, Dean?'

'What, Sammy?'

'Can I ask you something?' Sam asked, puppy dog eyes intact.

'You just did, bitch.' Dean smirked.

'Oh, come on, jerk.'

'Fine, fine, just make it quick or you'll be late for school, and I know how much nerd boy here hates that.'

'Shut up. But Dean, seriously, what are you and Cas planning?'

Dean cleared his throat before answering. 'It's none of your business, Sam, now get your coat on.'

'Don't try to change the subject,' Sam snapped.

'Sammy, you don't have any idea what's going-'

'And that's exactly why I want you to tell me!'

Dean sighed and looked down at his little brother sternly. 'No, Sam. Drop it, okay.'

Sam shot Dean a bitch face and grabbed his coat of the hook before charging out of the door. Dean let out a long breath and decided to go and find Cas.

'Cas?'

'Hm?' Cas glanced up from the book he was reading on Dean's bed.

'Is it... Do you want to do this tonight?' Dean asked cautiously.

Cas pursed his lips before answering. 'I think that would be appropriate, yes... We've given him enough time since the last... beating. So I think we should.'

'And you're sure you still want to do this alone?'

'Adamant.' Cas looked straight into Dean's eyes as he replied.

Dean nodded slowly, looking away. Cas caught his scarred cheek and forced him to face him.

'Dean... I love you.' He seemed anxious about saying it, but Dean could see that it was the truth.

'I love you too,' Dean giggled,  _friggin' giggled_ , after saying it and kissed Cas on the lips.

'I'm tired.'

Green eyes widened, disbelieving. 'Cas, we literally slept like ten hours and it's only nine AM.'

'Tired.' Cas flailed his left arm, dismissing him, and sank back down onto the bed. Dean chuckled and decided to lie next to him. Cas swivelled around to face him and placed a palm onto Dean's damaged cheek once more. They fell asleep like this, Cas stroking Dean's scars and Dean wrapping an arm around the shorter boy's waist.

 

 

* * *

 

'Cas, are you ready?' Dean asked softly.

Cas nodded his head up and down, furiously, convincing himself he wasn't scared.

'Sammy, we'll be back in a bit!' Dean called up the stairs. Once he'd heard a reply from Sam, he kissed Cas lightly and then led him out the door to the Impala.

 

*

 

The Impala door creaked before slamming shut. Castiel charged towards the house's front entrance, filled with furious courage. He stopped to wave goodbye to Dean who was pulling out of the long driveway. When Dean was out of sight, Castiel unlocked the door and pushed it open, his confidence wavering a little but returning as he shouted.

'Father!'

Castiel could hear loud footsteps making their way across the landing before the man came into view.

'Did you just shout at me?' His father's voice had a vicious edge to it which, in all honesty, broke Castiel. He quickly built up his courage once more, not wanting to cower away from the man. He had to do this.

'Yes! I've fucking had enough!' Castiel's voice radiated power as he balled his fists, his words echoing throughout the house.

'You dare swear at me,  _boy_.' He spat out the last word.

'Listen to me! How the fuck do you expect me to take this abuse?!'

'Your little fuck buddy's a bad influence on you.' His father grinned.

'Don't you  _ever_ talk about him like that again, you  _monster_.'

There was a pause as the older man's smile faded slowly.

'I'm many things, kid, but let me drill this into your thick skull.  _I'm_ not a monster _. You_ are _._ '

The father grabbed hold of his son's throat, choking him before smashing his head into the wall with force.

There was a loud crack and then a thump.

'Castiel! Castiel! You get up goddamnit! I'm not finished with you! Listen to your father! Castiel!'

There was no reply, just cold, deadly silence.

'Castiel. I am your father. Listen to me! Castiel!' His father roared.

A scream erupted from the top of the stairs as the mother laid eyes on her son.

 

 

* * *

 

'Cas, pick up!' Dean shouted into the phone speaker.

_'I'm sorry, the person you have called is unavailable, please try-'_

'Fuck,' Dean breathed, tears beginning to pour down his cheeks. 'Where the fuck are you?'

'Dean? Dean are you alright?!' Sam rushed up the stairs.

'Sammy, he's still not answering... I have to see that he's okay.'

'Dean, stop crying! Why the hell would he not be okay?!'

'You wouldn't understand... And Sam, it's been three days!'

'Dean, I'm sure he's fine.'

'"Fine" is not good enough,' Dean growled, grabbing his battered leather jacket.

'Where are you going?!'

'I have to see that he's okay, Sammy. You stay here with-' Dean stopped himself from saying  _with Bobby_.

'Is that a gun?!' Dean didn't stick around long enough to answer, stuffing the silver pistol into his belt, he rushed down the stairs and out of the house.

 

 

* * *

 

'Castiel, please. Please get up,' the desperate man muttered, rocking himself, arms wrapped around his knees, in the corner of the gloomy hallway. Tears ran down his wrinkled cheeks and nestled in his dark, wirey beard. He'd stayed there for three days, willing his son to wake up.

Headlights shone through the cloudy glass windows either side of the white door, making the dried blood glisten faintly. The man sucked in a gasp of air as the purr of the engine cut out and a door slammed shut. He didn't move from his spot in the corner of the room though, he just continued to rock back and forth, back and forth...

 

 

* * *

 

Dean could remember the route to Cas' house from when he'd dropped him off three days ago. He found the right building and pulled into the empty driveway noticing that all of the lights were off. After locking up the Impala, he began to advance towards the white door. He didn't bother to knock, he just kicked the door open and then stopped dead in his tracks.

'C- Cas?' The broken boy murmured.

 

 

* * *

 

'Don't shoot me! Please!' The bearded man begged, but it was too late. He could see pure white-hot rage rip across the boy's features, wiping away his previously distraught look. Lights out.

 

 

* * *

 

Dean dropped to his knees, throwing the gun onto the floor beside him.

'Cas! Wake the fuck up! Don't you dare not wake up, you hear me?!' Dean lifted the limp body from its resting place on the blood-soaked cream carpet.

'Cas, don't you fucking dare be dead. You and Sammy are all I've got, you're all I've got!' Dean's voice had become a cry of pain.

He was never going to receive a response. His insides felt as if they were tearing apart, his body shaking with the impact, an almost numbness clouding his brain, not allowing him to believe this was real.

'No, Cas... Not you, not  _you,_ ' Dean breathed into the lifeless boy's dark, blood matted hair.

He broke down, cradling his dead angel. Sobs ripping from his throat. He'd told him he'd keep him safe. He'd told him he'd protect him. And now he was gone.

He would have put a bullet in his head right then and there but he'd used the last of his ammunition shooting repeatedly at the man in the corner; the man that had killed  _his_  Cas. 

 

*

 

Sam was on suicide watch today. There were some times when he thought Dean was reasonably okay and could be left on his own in his room. The now twelve year old would have to search it beforehand for any hidden guns or pills however. Dean was worse today, buckling under the upset of all the loss he had suffered.

'Sammy, I'm fine,' Dean croaked when he noticed that Sam was sitting in the doorway, watching him.

'No, you're not. I'll stay here with you, Dean. You don't have to worry about me.'

'Sam, you have school. Go. I'm okay.'

'Dean, I'm not leaving you alone.'

Dean sat up on his bed and faced Sam. 'Do you know the only reason why I'm still here?'

Sam shook his head.

'You. I'm still here because of you. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let you fail in school. You need to get somewhere in life. It's too late for me, Sammy, but don't you think we owe... everyone at least one good thing? And that good thing is you achieving something. Now go. I promise I won't die today, Sammy.' Dean's eyes were filled with sincerity.

'Okay. But if you... kill yourself, you know I'm right behind you.' Sam knew Dean loved him more than anything and just the thought of Sam dying would scare him enough to keep him here at least one more day.

'Thank you,' Dean whispered before laying back down on his mattress and attempting to fall asleep.

Sam left the room and walked down the hallway. He wasn't planning on going to school, though. He made his way through the kitchen and out into the salvage yard. Then he continued towards a disused outhouse. He crouched down and retrieved a ouija board that had been hidden underneath a dirty cloth.

Sam set it up, placed his hands on the planchette and took in a deep breath. Castiel watched from the doorway.

'Um... Cas, it's Sam... Look I don't even know if you're here... and I don't know if this ouija board is the real deal or whatever... But I thought, hey, it's worth a shot.' Sam laughed nervously and swallowed, feeling stupid.

Castiel tilted his head to the side, a small frown on his face. He moved forward and stood in front of Sam before sinking down to the floor, crossing his legs.

'Okay, so Dean's in really bad shape. I don't know how long he's going to stick around before he does something stupid... He might have already done it, I don't know.' Sam's eyes filled with tears that were threatening to spill.

Castiel blinked and looked down as he thought of Dean and all the pain he'd gone through.

'So, let's just get this show on the road.' Sam coughed. He knew this whole idea was stupid, he was just talking to the air, but, like he said, it was worth a shot. 'Castiel... Are you here?'

Sam sucked in a large gulp of the dusty air as he felt a warmth on his hands. It quickly vanished. Castiel placed his fingers onto the planchette and guided it to the 'yes'. Sam stumbled back, condensation puffing out of his mouth as he gasped.

'Holy shit!' Sam shouted. He then composed himself. 'Wow... Um, hi, Cas. I'm so sorry about what happened. Dean didn't tell me the details but-' A tear slipped down the boy's cheek. Castiel looked at him, eyes filled with sadness.

Sam didn't really know what to say. He'd been planning this for a little while, buying the ouija board and stashing it, and he'd figured out what questions and favours he wanted to ask Cas beforehand, but now, knowing that Cas was actually present, all of his previous thoughts left his brain.

'Cas... Have you been here with us?'

Yes.

'For how long?'

Ever since my death.

'So you can understand my concern for Dean.'

Yes.

Castiel sighed deeply. He'd seen Dean cry and mutter to himself at night when he couldn't sleep. He'd seen him order his blades and razors according to size and then take the blades to his skin. Dean would scream when Sam wasn't there. He would pick up his empty gun and play around with it. Dean would punch his belongs, crying, shouting, thinking about his mother, Ellen, Jo, his father, Bobby and Cas himself. All the people he cared about. Then he would cry for Sam. Sam who was still only a child yet had lost everything and had to watch his brother almost constantly, praying that he wouldn't put a bullet in his head, praying that the last person he had left wouldn't leave him.

'It hasn't been easy. Well, you can see that... What's Dean like when I'm not there?'

Not good.

Castiel couldn't think of any other way to put it.

'Would I be able to talk to you again another time? My head's not really in it today.' More tears trickled down his cheeks.

Yes.

'Thank you, Cas. Thank you for watching over us.' Sam gathered up the ouija board and hid it away again.

Sam felt a little better about leaving his brother knowing that Cas was around so he eventually decided to go to school.

 

 

* * *

 

'Hello, my name is Sam Winchester, I'm here to sign in,' Sam said at the desk in reception.

'Oh! Sam! It's a pleasure to have you back,' the woman seated behind the desk responded.

'I forgot my timetable... Would you be able to let me know what my next class is?'

'Certainly.' The woman turned to her computer and began to tap at the keyboard. 'You have English with Ms. Rosen.' The woman smiled up at Sam sweetly.

'Thank you very much.' Sam turned and left the building, deciding to wait for first period to end before making his way to English.

He sat down on a bench and began to play with his fingers. Sam became lost in his thoughts, reliving memories that he had had with his deceased loved ones and Dean.

_'Hey, Bobby, when's Ellen getting here?' Dean asked, impatiently._

_'Soon, now shut your pie hole!'_

_'Sam, are you okay?' Sam was hunched over in the corner, sobbing. His brother walked over to him and patted his shoulder._

_'Dean, I broke my soldier.' Dean looked over to where Sam was pointing to see that one of Sam's green plastic toys was missing a leg._

_'Sammy, I'll fix that up for you, don't worry.' Dean sounded genuine so Sam had stopped crying._

_Dean picked up the soldier and its missing limb and went over to a cabinet in Bobby's kitchen. Sam had stared as Dean grabbed a stool and balanced on it before being able to retrieve the glue carton from the top shelf. Dean jumped down and became focused on mending the little action figure._

_'Here you go, Sam, good as new!' Dean beamed as he handed his four year old brother the drying, glue coated soldier._

_'I love you, Dean.' Sam grinned as he clasped his hands around Dean's neck and hugged him._

_'I love you too, Sammy.'_

_Jo jumped on top of the brothers, frightening them._

_'Jeez, Jo!'_

_'Jo, don't scare the boys!' Ellen shouted as she entered the house._

Sam was snapped out of the memory by the piercing sound of the bell ringing. He got up off the bench and made his way towards the English block.

 

 

* * *

 

It had been a good day at school for Sam. He hadn't drunk in much of the information but he still felt more comfortable. He opened the door into the kitchen and rushed up the stairs to Dean's room. A long breath of relief left his lips as he saw Dean drawing in the corner, very much alive and even smiling a little. Confusion then crossed his features as he took in the new surroundings.

'You changed your room around?'

Dean turned to face his little brother and grinned widely. 'Yeah... Everyone needs a change once in a while.'

'What are you drawing?' Sam asked, warily.

Dean gestured towards the paper, inviting Sam to look for himself. Sam moved over to the table in the corner and saw that Dean, though not greatly skilled with art, had drawn himself, Cas, Bobby, their father and mother, Jo and Ellen all crowded around Sam who was in the middle. It was a beautiful picture to Sam and it tugged on his heart, his chest tightening.

'Sammy, don't cry. Sam, I know I gotta let them all go now. I have to.' Dean smiled weakly down at his little brother, placing a hand lightly on his shoulder.

Sam hugged his big brother close to him, a part of him letting go of his dead loved ones too.

He knew Dean wouldn't ever fully recover and would have his ups and downs, but Sam knew this was at least some progress. Dean was raw, emotions running high, so Sam could tell that this wasn't a permanent acceptance, but he was willing to take whatever upset Dean was going through and help him through it, because that's what brothers do.

 

 

* * *

_Epilogue - 15 years later_

Dean walked down the street, arms full with groceries. He was cooking Lisa something special tonight, it being their eighth anniversary since they'd met and all. He rounded a corner and there it was. His Baby, shining lightly in the faded sunlight. Dean grinned as he reached Her, carefully placing the groceries in the trunk. He slammed the car boot shut and made his way to the driver's side. Sliding into the leather seats had not once failed to put Dean in a good mood. Dean's smile grew impossibly wider as he turned the key in the ignition, the engine roaring into life and then simmering down to a low growl and then a purr. Dean shook his head and chuckled as he reversed out of the space.

He passed the cemetery on his way back but he didn't look too closely. His smile only wavered a little.

Dean unlocked the door to his recently purchased house, wiped his shoes on the front door mat and closed the door. He let out a deep sigh, his left hand only ghosting over the remnants of the burns on his face. He could faintly hear Ben stomping around in his room and that caused the smile to return to his features.

'Ben?' he called out. The sound of footsteps charging down the stairs rang out.

'Dad!' Ben practically leaped into Dean's arms, hugging him tightly.

'How was school?' Dean kissed the top of his six year old son's head lightly and then ruffled his hair, just like how he used to do to Sam when he was a kid.

'It was boring.'

'You always say that, dude. Don't you do anything there?' Needless to say that, since he met Lisa, Dean's confidence had flourished. Although this was his son he was talking to, he felt completely at ease and could make his opinion known.

'We make paper airplanes. And do math. And math is sucky.'

Dean chuckled as he made his way to the kitchen to grab a beer. 'It is sucky, isn't it? My friend... He used to like math.' Dean paused for a second before he shook his head and continued to the fridge to get his drink. 'You want anything?'

'Mom got me a sandwich when I came home.' Ben replied casually, tossing a rubber ball from one hand to the other.

'Earth to Ben.' Dean nudged him, snapping him out of his daydream. He laughed heartily as Ben double took and then went red, embarrassed. 'You gotta stop drifting off, man. Maybe that's why you think school's so boring - you don't pay attention!'

'I think it would be more boring if I  _was_  paying attention, dad.' Ben looked up at him sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

'You need good grades, kid.'

'Why?'

'Well, I didn't get them... So I think you should. You know, be like your Uncle Sammy. Big shot lawyer n' all.' Dean took a long sip of his drink before cradling it against his stomach.

'But... I wanna be like  _you_  Dad.' Ben fiddled with the rubber ball in his hands.

Dean's heart warmed at his son's words but he didn't have a chance to reply as Lisa walked in. She smiled instantly.

'Hey, babe, didn't hear you come in.' She placed the laundry basket she'd previously had perched on her hip onto the floor and wandered over to Dean. She leaned in for a kiss just as Ben slapped his hands over his eyes, rubber ball completely forgotten.

Lisa stroked the side of his face. Dean wasn't exactly comfortable with that, he knew it was affectionate and an accepting gesture, but only one other person had been like this with him and they were gone. He loved Lisa, but it didn't feel right in some ways. Dean leaned down and kissed her again to distract himself from over thinking.

'I'm leaving.' Ben scrambled out of the room and a laugh rumbled in Dean's chest.

'So, what time's the table booked for?' Lisa bit her lip as she looked up into Dean's green eyes.

'What? No, I'm cooking tonight.'

Lisa raised an eyebrow at Dean. 'You? Cooking? You can't even make pop tarts without turning them to charcoal, Dean.'

Pop tarts. Tiny memory triggers that Dean always bats away. He doesn't want to remember him now, he wants to move on, even if it was just for a night. 'Well, tonight's going to be different. I went to the grocery store, I got everything I need to make a  _mean_  lamb roast... thing...'

Lisa laughed at Dean and then kissed him again. 'I gotta sort Ben out. He'll be at his friend's house tonight.' She wagged her eyebrows at Dean before she picked up her laundry basket once more and walked out of the kitchen.

'Damn.' Dean grinned again as he took a last swig of his beer. He threw it in the glass bottle bin and made his way over to the counter where the groceries were. Sure, today was a very,  _very_  good day. He'd officially got together with Lisa eight years ago to the day, she'd helped him and he was finally able to let Sam go off and do his own thing. He'd become a better person with Lisa and he honestly loved her so much... But today also marked the day before another anniversary: Castiel Novak's death.

It had been hard for Dean to come to terms with it. It hadn't just been a high school phase with Cas, it had been real to him. Nobody apart from his family had really paid any attention to Dean. Cas had been the best friend, and only friend, he'd ever had. Whether he was a guy didn't matter to Dean and whatever Cas had been to him, Dean had known exactly how he'd felt. Dean still dearly missed him but his feelings towards him had become increasingly numb over time. Although this time was good for Dean since Lisa had come into his life, it was also an extremely emotional for him. He'd had a lot of time to adjust though, so dealing with it all at once had become easier over the years.

'Dean?' Dean whipped his body around to face Lisa. 'The glass is overflowing...' Lisa gestured to the sink where Dean hadn't even realised he'd been filling up a glass of water.

'Oh.' His voice cracked and he realised he'd been crying.

'Hey, hey, hey,' Lisa soothed as she moved towards him. 'I know it's a hard time for you, but you've got to look on the positive side of things, okay?'

'My best friend's dead,' Dean sobbed into Lisa's shoulder.

'Shh, shh, I know. He has been for fifteen years, Dean. And we've dealt with each year together.' She pulled out of the embrace to look Dean in the eyes. Dean clung onto her waist, not breaking contact and again she brought her hand up to stroke his scars. It felt wrong, but he leaned into the gentle touch. 'I love you so much, Dean Winchester.'

'I love you too.' Dean pulled her into the hug again, burrowing his head into her hair. He felt like a child but he needed the support right now. Cas had meant a lot to him. The fact that he was still crying like a baby over him after fifteen years was living proof. Dean had loved him but he couldn't get caught up on it, not right now.

'You should take Ben to his friend's house... I'll put the food on.'

Lisa smiled softly, kissed his lips gently and whispered, 'Don't you dare go burning the house down.' before turning to leave.

Dean smiled weakly before returning to prepping the meal for later on.

 

 

* * *

 

'Do you want me to come with you?' Lisa rubbed Dean's shoulder in a comforting way.

Dean shook his head slightly. 'Nah... I have to do this by myself this year, I think.'

Lisa nodded her head and leaned in to give Dean a long kiss. Ben hugged his father's leg before running down the hall. Dean gave one last look to Lisa to reassure her that he was alright before he turned and left the house. He hopped in the Impala but the smile wasn't on his face this time.

He drove his Baby back through the path he took the day before to get groceries. He parked just outside the entrance, grabbed his bag and locked up the Impala. He walked slowly along the gravel pathway, duffle bag slung over his shoulder, looking at all of the headstones as he passed by. He jammed a headphone into his ear, hoping that it would drown out the deathly, sickening silence that surrounded him. The crunch of his feet on the gravel sounded ominous and he was desperate to just listen to Metallica, AC/DC,  _anything_  to get out of this. Death was everywhere and Dean was far too familiar with it.

A song started playing but it was nothing like the heavy rock he had planned. Memories flooded back as he came to an abrupt halt, staggering slightly.

_'Cas, what's your favourite song?' Dean's leg swung back and forth, scraping the floor._

_Cas thought for a while, choosing. Dean cut in before he could answer, knowing really what sort of answer it was going to be._

_'I bet it's some of that weird pop punk crap or some soppy love song.' Cas had punched him lightly on the arm before turning serious._

_'Dean, do you remember when we were driving home from the hospital? After your father...' Dean nodded, swallowing loudly. 'Well... That song that was playing on the radio... that's my favourite song.'_

_Dean sat up on the bed and looked down at Cas who was still lying there. 'That's a shit memory, Cas, **why** is that your favourite song?'_

_Cas shrugged and looked away, dismissing it. Dean could see the emotion building up in Cas' eyes so he dropped it, even if he was extremely curious, and started talking about the Impala or something trivial._

Dean gasped and buckled under the weight of the memory. He'd never thought of such a mostly insignificant memory from over fifteen years ago. He supposed he'd not had a reason to since he hadn't listened to that song at all apart from the horrible car ride he and Cas had taken back from the hospital but he'd saved it on his iPod. Another thought hit him; he'd never know the reason behind Cas' choice.

'Fuck,' he breathed out, condensation cascading from his mouth. The weather was completely out of character for this far along in June in Kansas and Dean found that chilling.  _It was this cold when I helped Cas get away from Zach_. Dean thought. He slapped a hand across his forehead, realising silent tears were cascading down his face. He furiously wiped them away with his fingertips. The song was still playing and the lyrics swam around in Dean's ears and he couldn't really process them.

_'Cause you brought out the best of me,_   
_A part of me I'd never seen,_   
_You took my soul wiped it clean,_   
_Our love was made for movie screens_

Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out the little device. His eyes remained locked onto the glowing screen as he listened to the song. 'Cas...'

_But If you loved me_   
_Why did you leave me_   
_Take my body_   
_Take my body_   
_All I want is_   
_All I need is_   
_To find somebody_

He'd had enough. Hastily, he clicked a button to change the song. Led Zeppelin almost burst his eardrums as he hadn't noticed the iPod was on full volume. The change of tempo snapped Dean out of his mini breakdown and he carried on down the pathway to the three gravestones situated in the back left hand corner of the cemetery.

'Mom, dad, Bobby,' he greeted the first three headstones as he pulled the earphones out. Bobby had been given a slot at the cemetery a few years back, Dean finally mustering up the courage to move him. His gaze dropped to his shoes as he whispered, 'Cas.'

Water pooled on the rim of his eyes before spilling over. He lifted a hand to cover his eyes and dropped to the ground directly in front of the grave.

'Fifteen fucking years, huh, buddy. Jesus...' Dean tossed the duffle bag to the side and crossed his legs, not caring if the dirt stained his new jeans. 'Fifteen years...' he muttered again, disbelieving. 'Seems like only the other week that Sammy was on suicide watch... Little bastard's working for a law firm now. Finished with Stanford a few months back.' He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously.

'Cas... I miss you so much, it's... I know I should let go... But I really can't. It's been fifteen fucking years and I still can't let go. You've still got me crying my eyes out like a  _child_. Even Ben doesn't cry that much.' Dean chuckled slightly before dropping his head into his hands. He still hadn't looked at the grave properly. 'You really would love Ben... I'm making sure I'm being a good dad to him Cas, I swear I am... I don't want to turn out like either of our dads, I guess.' Dean made a light 'psh' noise before he began to play with the overgrown grass. 'Cas, this grass is too long. You need to see someone about it, get it cut.' Dean laughed then, louder than a chuckle, trying to imagine what Cas would say. Then again, he wouldn't be in this situation if Cas could say something back.

'I just don't know what to do... Because I'll leave this place, I'll leave you, mom, dad and Bobby for another year, but what happens then?' Dean acknowledged the fact that he may not have made complete sense and cleared his throat. 'All I'm saying is that it's the same shit every year, ya know? I'll go back to my freaking apple pie life, trying to forget you so I don't hurt anymore when I know that's not going to happen.' Dean let out a frustrated grunt then, rising to his feet and kicking away some dirt. He was trying to cram so much into one little speech and he couldn't do it. Cas deserved more than that but he didn't have the time.

'Cas... Cas, Cas, Cas.' Dean's lips quirked up. He loved saying his name even now. 'I love you, Cas. But I think this year I'm gonna try to let go more, okay? It ain't good for either of us being like this.' He sniffed and then looked down at the ground again, focusing on the duffle bag.

'I'm going to get out some stuff... I've always kept it... But I think you need it back now...' Dean crouched down to unzip the bag. He dug around a little and then pulled out the battered, unwashed trench coat. 'I didn't change anything... It-' Dean had to stop himself and take a deep breath for fear that he would break down again. 'It was painful as hell seeing this like that, sure, but... it didn't feel right washing it or just gettin' rid of it... So it just sat in the Impala.' He placed it down like a blanket over the dirt of the grave, lining it with rocks so it wouldn't be blown away easily. Putting the trench coat down felt like closure, a chunk of Dean's heart ripping away.

'Lisa still strokes the burn marks on my face, you know. It's sweet, sure but... It doesn't feel right. Kinda feels like it's our thing.' Dean smiled a humourless, crooked smile before rifling through the bag again. He pulled out a pack of pop tarts that had already been opened. 'Now, I hope to God the fucking vulture birds don't get to these too soon... But I always burned the pop tarts, so here's some burnt pop tarts, I guess... Oh my God, Cas, I don't know how pop tarts are significant, I can't even fucking remember if we ate them more than once okay, all I know is that the memory I'm thinking of was a good one.' He smirked at his own stupidity. He'd thought that it would be meaningful but now he just felt stupid.

'One more thing,' he murmured tenderly before reaching into his pocket and taking out the iPod. 'Now, the battery won't last forever with it being pretty shitty... And I can't guarantee that some bastard won't steal it before it gets to the end of the third play... but I guess it would be nice for you to hear this again. Even if it's only for a little bit.' Dean unravelled the headphones and selected the right song, burying the headphones face down in the soil above Castiel's coffin. Again, Dean felt an embarrassed tug in his gut telling him that this was a ridiculous idea but he carried on anyway. All I Want - Kodaline, full volume, iPod tucked into one of the trench coat pockets, done. Losing the iPod wasn't too much of an upset; he'd always hated the fucking douchebag thing, but it had been a present from Lisa so he'd kept it up until now.

'I don't know... I don't know if I will come next year or not, Cas... I sort of want closure... That doesn't mean I don't love you. I just need to move on because seriously... fifteen years.  _Fifteen_. Cas, you were a pretty special son of a bitch, you know that? Fifteen years and you're still stuck in my grapefruit.' Dean wiped away the few tears that had dripped down his face but he felt somewhat happy. He was giving himself and Cas some freedom. By no means did that mean he'd miss Cas any less or love him any less really, it just meant that he could deal with it better. He breathed out a low laugh. 'I love you, Cas, don't you forget it. I'm thirty one and I still love you for who you were.' Dean let out a disbelieving titter before picking up his duffle bag. 'Goodbye, Cas.'

Dean turned around and made his way down the gravel path feeling better and worse at the same time. He was going to go back to Lisa, Ben, big, grown up, sasquatch Sam and his new girlfriend Madison, and he was going to live his life.

'Goodbye, Dean,' Cas whispered, but Dean was already gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
